FIRE IGNITED

Tonight I finished reading "make me a Legend: For The Dream of a Better Tomorrow" by Chuck Balsamo. Yay! I finished an entire book! That's a huge accomplishment for a mother of 4 who finds it hard to focus on anything longer than a few seconds. I started out reading this book because I've been on this quest for significance in my life. Too many times the title "Mother" just doesn't seem as spectacular as I hoped that it would. I finished this book with the understanding that I am not just a mother, I will be a legend to them, and hopefully many others. There's been this very small flame inside my soul for way too long. Maybe I wouldn't even call it a flame. Have you ever stood over the stove while you were fixing dinner, just so you could warm up a bit? Sadly, that's how powerful my "flame" has been for at least a couple of years. Looking at my spiritual life now with a new set of eyes makes me want to cry. How pathetic have I been! I'll get over it quickly though because I'm excited about the new spark that has hit my soul.

With prayer and faith, I will no longer worry about what others think of me. I will be the best me that I can be and if they don't like it, well, that's their loss. I have come to a point where I'm so tired of wasting my time, energies, and resources on those who could honestly care less about me. There was a chapter in this book about getting connected with the right people. I've struggled so much with wanting to please everyone and be friends with everyone. Tonight I'm feeling better about moving on without those who no longer belong in my circle, and refocusing my energies on those who truly care. Also, I wrote down a quote from the book that I will be meditating on (replaced with the word I), "This is where I overcome my fear of people - godless people, faithless people, and intimidating, self-righteous people." I have been holding so much back, out of fear of what others might think of me. So many things that I wanted to say, and should've said, but didn't. I held my tongue as to not offend someone, while at the same time I was swallowing down words that would've defended my Savior. No more! My eternal soul and your eternal soul matter more to me now. I will preach the gospel and spread His truth with the world. I let go of my fears. Oh so many fears!

I want to cry tonight, but the tears just won't come. Perhaps because I know how hard it will be to stop them from flowing. As I look back over the last few years, I've somehow, ever so slowly, drifted so far away from Jesus compared to where I was. My husband and I had stopped praying together. I can't even remember the last time we prayed together as a family. How embarrassing to admit this to you. I stopped writing. I stopped singing. I stopped serving. How on earth did this happen? Well, I know how it happened. It's exactly how Satan had planned it to happen many years ago. But I have news for him! I'm running back to Jesus and His arms are open wide. I feel His embrace surrounding me now. Angels are rejoicing! Look! There is a flame now, where once there was only the feeling of heat.

Perhaps the drifting away all began when I started out on the quest for more significance. I started searching in other places. I started envying other's lives instead of being content with the wonderful life that God has blessed me with. I wanted more for MY life. Perhaps if I started out asking God what more I could do for HIM, then I wouldn't have gotten so off track.

Tonight I will sleep peacefully knowing that I am making a difference in my boy's lives. We will get back to praying together. We will get back to consistent church services and I won't just be a bystander. I will set the example for my boys. I will make the sacrifices and be a servant for God's kingdom. I trust God to use me in ways that I never imagined. I will get back to writing (starting with this very post). I will finish a book someday. I will use all of the hurt and heartache that I've endured to encourage others and to help bring them out of bondage. I am tired of playing it safe! God has so much more for us and I've gotten in the way. It's like He stepped aside for these few years and said, "OK, have it your way." He was always there with me. When I was searching for more, He had His arms around me, trying to show me that He is the more. He's all I ever needed. When I went through painful trials, He tried to reach out and rescue me, but I wouldn't listen. I prayed to Him, but I couldn't hear Him through all the distractions that Satan had created in my life.

I believe that the turning point (a major shift) for me came when Chuck Balsamo wrote in his book to ask God to point out anything in my life that may be holding me back. Whew! I had to stop and take a close look a that. I prayed about it and then as I continued to read the book, God showed me more. I'm going to share my list with you as a bold step of faith. I feel in my heart that this list may resonate with you. It won't all be the same, but maybe very similar. I'm listing these in order that they came to my mind. See how it starts out looking like pretty minor issues, but then God pointed out deeper issues in my heart.

1. Cookie Jam Oh how embarrassed I am to admit this. In case you didn't know, this is a game that I play on my tablet. I'm on level one thousand and something. I've been playing it for less than a year. I've wasted so much time just spacing out and playing this game, when I could've been using that time to draw closer to the Lord. There are so many better uses of my time. 
2. FaceBook Raise your hand if you're with me on this one. Scroll, scroll, scroll...Wow! How did I just sit here for half an hour looking into everyone else's lives? Meanwhile I'm feeling sorry for myself and feeling like an inadequate mother and wife because Super Mom just posted again about her glorious world that she lives in. 
3. Anger (deep breath) This is so hard for me to admit. I'm so ashamed to bring it to the surface and share it with you. But I know I'm not alone. I've been working on this for years. I know this has gotten in the way of God moving in my life. Tonight I surrender all anger over to Him. I know I will still have outburst, but I also know that He is alive and working in me. All things are possible and this is one of the mountains that I expect to be moved so God has a straighter path to my heart.
4. Bitterness This issue came about during some hurt that I've experienced in the last few years. It's a newer feeling that I hate to carry around. I've tried to let go, but it rises back up and rears it's ugly head at me from time to time. What I've learned is that there is no trying harder here. I've tried, and tried, and tried. What needs to happen is God's transformation in my heart and I believe that I'm on the doorstep of this happening. 
5. Other's Opinions of me This! This has been a major setback for me in SO many areas of my life. Chuck mentioned in his book that unlike Jesus, we seem to need our world to like us, enjoy us, approve of us, and celebrate us! Did you catch that? Unlike Jesus! We were put on this earth to please our Heavenly Father and to model His example. His opinion should be the only one that truly matters! I'm sharing all of this with you right now because I know that I am doing the work of my Father, so it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. This is a HUGE step for me!
6. Fear Fear has held me captive for way too long! Fear of bees, tornadoes, something happening to me, something happening to our children or my husband, fear of going broke, starving, fear of letting people down, fear of what others think, fear that I'm not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough. The list goes on and on and on. Why? God's word tells us that worry won't change anything. And this brings me to the last thing that God put on my heart.
7. Lack of Trust in God Tonight God showed me that all of my fears are due to a lack of trust in Him. Wow! The one who created the entire universe and keeps it all functioning every single day. The one who made me and you. There's no reason to not give Him my whole heart and fully trust Him. I know He wants to give me complete peace and rest that's only found in Him. All I have to do is let Him!

Tonight I saw myself as the woman in this skit. With each character that tries luring her away from Jesus, I pictured all of these issues that I just mentioned that have been holding me back from Him. Thank God that I didn't go down many of these terrible paths. But I can't help but wonder what would've happened if I didn't stop long enough to listen to that still, small voice inside of me. That voice that was pulling me back to Him. He was the voice!

I'm so sorry God! Help me to trust You more! Break theses heavy chains that have had me bound so tightly. Fan the flame and make it grow! Give me more opportunities to share Your love with others and help me to be bold. Help me and my family to be Your hands and feet. Help us to bring thousands of others to You. Break the chains that bind Your people. Break the mold off of their eyes and make them pause long enough to see how much Satan has been distracting them and slowly making them drift away from You. Help Your people to rise up again. Give them back their backbone and their voices! Draw them out of the dark places and light their souls on fire so that they will be the light to others. In Jesus name I pray! Amen!

LIFE IS A GIFT, LIVE IT

Me on my special day (wearing clothes
bought with my birthday money)!

Today is a special day to me. It's my birthday. I've not always considered this a special day. Once I even threatened my husband that if he did anything for me for my birthday, I'd be so mad at him. I didn't want to be older. Back then, I didn't like the fact that I was entering my 30's. I wanted to stay in my 20's forever! Over the years I have dealt with so many bouts of depression (usually from hormonal changes that sometimes come with having a baby). I thought I hated myself and my life. I've also had to deal with anxiety, just as recently as this past March. But you know what? I've had enough! After this last battle with anxiety (and it really is a battle because you have to fight with every tool that God gives you) I vowed that this year would be my greatest year yet! I even wrote down a countdown to this day and started marking the days off, looking forward to it with great expectation. I will no longer allow those demons of depression and anxiety to have control over my life. I created a summer bucket list to make sure that my family is spending fun, quality time together. No more wasteful summers! I have also started taking steps to ensure a healthier future for myself. The biggest thing I've done is give up pop. I haven't had any pop since March and I know that has helped me lose weight and I have way fewer headaches than I use to. I also walk almost every night that I get the chance. I'll do my part and let God handle the rest. 

Some unfortunate events in my life have led me to a new perspective on life. Sometimes that's what it takes to wake us up and snap us out of our pitiful life so we can see the beauty of life that God created for us.

My mom's story is one of those things that was a true game changer for me. She has been through so much this past year. It has broken my heart to know the pain that she's had to endure. She had unexplained, debilitating pain in her body for months. Doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong with her. She was also repeating herself quite frequently. I was wondering if she had Alzheimer's or something. I'd listen to her tell me an entire story and then five minutes later, repeat it just as she did at the beginning of our conversation. Then one day, she went to the bathroom and she couldn't stand back up. She just lost the functionality of her legs. She had also fallen prior to this, but I guess no one realized how big of a deal it was. When my dad took her to the hospital, they found a mass in her head. Eventually she had the mass removed and we found out that it was the size of a tennis ball. Can you imagine? Every time I see my kids playing with a tennis ball now, I think about what my mom came through. Thankfully, it wasn't cancer. But even so, this was enough to jerk me out of my pity party and realize that life is a gift. We don't know what tomorrow holds.My mom's surgery went great, but since then, she's been dealing with blood clots. I know she's going to get through this! She's a woman of strength and she's setting such a good example for me and my kids. 

My grandmother, Dad, Me, and my mom
(and my brother and my youngest son in the background)

Another way that God has used my mom, is in my dad's life. Years ago, I was prophesied to by a man that I respect and I believe the words he's spoken over me and my family. He told me that my entire family will be healed and they will be saved, but I must leave it to God. I cannot save them. Wow, turns out that he was right! The night before my mom's surgery, my dad took my mom and my grandmother to revival at my grandma's church, and that night, my dad gave his life to the Lord. When I got this wonderful news, I was beyond amazed and excited over what God had done. I felt like this was a huge gift from God to me. Because honestly, if my dad had died before this night, I wasn't sure what would happen to his soul. Now I thank God almost daily for saving my dad because I can live with absolute peace that he will spend eternity with Jesus! 

About a week ago, my grandmother fell and broke her hip. She's had a rough road since the surgery, but I also have peace about this because God told me that it's not her time to go yet. She's going to come through this. I had the privilege to speak with her today and tell her all that God shared with me. Through her pain, God is using her as a witness to bring the rest of her family to Christ. I reminded her that they are still watching her and she needs to stay strong and continue fighting the good fight.

Another thing that I just can't ignore is what is going on in America and in our world. Again today, there were more deliberate police officer shootings. I want to cower back in fear, stay home, and keep my kids safe. But I know that isn't the answer. I know that just allows Satan to have victory. What I will do instead is to pray for peace and for God to have mercy on all of us. I will pray for the victims and their families. I will pray for the people who have caused the tragedies, and their families too. And I will go out, and I will live my life to the fullest. Because in the end, God already knows when my final day will be. Nothing I do will change that. But until then, I will chose joy, forgiveness, and love. I will chose to be thankful for this life that I've been so blessed to have. And I will continue sharing my stories, hoping that at least one person will be encouraged. Keep fighting the good fight my friends. You never know how your fight or your simple acts of kindness will change someone else's life. It might just impact their life beyond their walk on this earth!

Be blessed my friends!

EXCHANGE FEAR FOR FAITH

Once again I'm exploring what life would be like if I exchanged my fears for faith. How would I feel and how could it change my life? Why does fear have so much control over my life? I'm not talking about rational fears, like those that would keep me from running out in front of a car, but rather, the fears of following God and trusting Him wherever He may lead me. I know that He wants to free me from the chains of fear that have kept me bound. I know that He doesn't want me to always be stressing over what I should be doing with my life and worry about being good enough. He wants me to throw perfection out the window and just trust Him! This life was meant to live!

Here are some ways my life would change if I could just let go of the fears:

• I would go outside more during the summer and enjoy being with my kids. They would also have more sports opportunities. You see, I'm severely allergic to bees, so I spend most of my summer stuck inside the house. I'm absolutely terrified of bees. And while yes, they technically could kill me, I know that I need to trust God completely with my life. He's kept me safe from the bees for almost 24 years, why would He stop now?
• I would get on airplanes and take more trips to discover more of this beautiful earth God created.
• My kids would feel safer because they wouldn't be constantly feeding off of my own fears. 
• I would go to church more. Ouch! Yes, it's true, the fear of my kids getting sick from being around a ton of other children, often keeps me away during the winter time. This is a hard fear to manage, since we are currently dealing with almost 3 weeks of sickness, and I'm pretty sure it came from the last Sunday we were all at church. I feel so much guilt over this one. I know it's completely not what God would want.
• I would not allow my nerves to control me when we have a severe weather forecast.
• I would sleep better at night, instead of worrying about my children. Sometimes I just lay there and wonder if they are breathing okay since I haven't heard any noise on the monitor. This has been a long term fear of mine that goes back to when my cousin's baby died of SIDS, almost 18 years ago.
• I would sing again (in front of others)
• I might even start my own business again.
• I would let my house go a little bit more and not worry about what others would think. This would give me more precious time with my kids.
• I would finish that book I started writing years ago!

What about you? How would your life change if you could start letting your faith take over, instead of being controlled by fear? I would love to hear your thoughts!

Be blessed my friends!

OVERCOMING THE STORMS

This was the view from my back porch almost exactly 4 years ago to the day. I believe we were under a tornado watch and I had been freaking out over the weather for several days prior to it even becoming bad. This looks like a tornado, but it's actually a wall cloud (the front line of the storm). I remember this day very vividly because it was just like every other time that we were expecting bad weather. Days before the storm, while it was still beautiful outside, I would constantly look up the forecasts and make myself sick over the possibilities. To say that I was afraid of storms would be a huge understatement. It paralyzed me. For days on end I couldn't eat much. I would make several trips to the bathroom because my nerves took over. I literally made myself sick. It was embarrassing. I know most people wouldn't understand. I couldn't even understand.

I prayed constantly. I cried out to God to take this fear away. I knew that worrying was a sin and I so desperately wanted to be delivered from it. I would constantly repeat my favorite Bible verse, 2 Timothy 1:7, "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind."  What I didn't realize at the time is that even though I still felt overcome with fear, God was working in my life. Each storm that came my way was getting easier and easier for me to handle.

Fast forward to today. I'm home alone with the kids and we have a tornado watch. We've had torrential rain and lots of lightening and thunder. An amazing thing has happened. I didn't run to my neighbor's house. This is something I usually do because I have always felt safer just being around other people. But that's not even the most amazing part. The best part is that I had peace; the kind of peace that the Bible talks about in Philippians 4:7, "and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

I write this post to encourage others who are dealing with fear of any sort. Whether you are dealing with fear of bad weather or other storms that life brings, I pray that you will experience the peace that I have found through Christ. Yes, it took many years, but I have such victory and you can too! Keep on leaning on God. Say 2 Timothy 1:7 out loud over and over until it resonates in your soul. Don't give up! If you need prayer, it would be an honor to pray for you. Just message me in the comments or at BibleMomma99@gmail.com.

Be blessed my friends!

GOD'S LITTLE REMINDER

God’s Little Reminder

This is one of the many songs I have written.
Finished on March 12, 2008 while waiting on the birth of our 2nd son.

I was down and out

all worried about

all the bills we had to pay

I wondered how we'd make it

in this little home

with a baby on the way

I hung my head down

and I started to cry

All I could do is ask

God...why?

In a moment when

all hope seemed gone

that tiny little baby

started kicking up a storm

and I knew right then...

that it was God's little reminder

to cling to HIM a little bit tighter

   And He will see us through

Six years later

he overheard me talkin

on the phone one night

saying I was a horrible mom

and a worthless wife

I hung up the phone

and I started to cry

All I could do is ask

God...why?

In a moment when

all hope seemed gone

my little boy hugged me

and asked, "mom what's wrong"

And I knew right then...

that he was God's little reminder

to cling to HIM a little bit tighter

   And He will see us through

   Yeah, He will see us through

Thank God for little reminders.

Growth

A couple of weeks ago my boys and I planted some monster watermelon and pumpkin seeds. We weren't sure if they would grow or not because the seeds were bought about 2 years ago and have been sitting dormant since then. To see my original post, click HERE.

The boys have been taking very good care of their plants by giving them water every day, taking them outside for sunshine and bringing them back inside when there was a chance for bad weather. This is the result of their tender care:

In just 2 weeks, God took something that remained dormant for years and gave it new life! All it took was someone caring for it. 

This got me thinking about life in general. Have you felt like you've been in a rut? A funk? You just can't escape? I pray that God will send you the right person to show you His tender loving care. Sometimes we need another person to just love on us; to remind us that God hasn't forgotten us. Take comfort in knowing that it doesn't matter how long you have been going in the wrong direction, He can change your life instantly! Let me know how I can pray for you today!

Be blessed my friends!

A Wrestling Spirit

     
       Much like my physical body, my spirit just can't seem to get rest lately. I know the cause of my physical lack of sleep; He's about 2 feet long, has beautiful blue eyes and a smile that can light up the room. My spirit and my mind however, just keep turning, wrestling, wondering. Almost like my spirit is wrestling with my mind. Things just suddenly don't make sense to me anymore. I can't even pinpoint what is going on. I feel like there's a huge question mark just spinning around in my head. All of a sudden I'm viewing my life as not enough. I feel like I'm missing something, but what is it? My brain says that I need to do something to help bring more income into our home, but the Holy Spirit whispers to me, "Rest. I've carried you this far, do you think I'll fail you now? It's not by your works that you have what you have today. It's because I love you. You are my daughter." My brain says that my house is a wreck and I need to do more. I just can't function with the clutter. I think about selling stuff, but God says, "Give it away!"  We have always been givers and I feel like that's a huge reason that we are so blessed today. The Bible says that you reap what you sow. We've reaped such a tremendous harvest.

      It's time to replace the question marks and just put my trust back in Him. He exchanges our question marks, our doubts, and confusion with peace that only He can offer. When things don't make sense, He can still give you and your mind REST. 

Be blessed my friends!

DEPRESSION ~ My Story (The Short Version)

 

 I have battled depression off and on for most of my life. It began as a teenager because of growing up with an alcoholic father and brothers who mistreated me. My mom and my brothers took the brunt of my father's abuse, and I hid and listened to the arguments and fighting. I overcame depression in my late teens when my dad quit drinking and my parents reconciled their marriage, only to battle it again in my early twenties. At just twenty years old, I became a single mom. Working full-time, going to school full-time, and taking care of a baby on my own really took a toll on me. 

I found the love of my life when my son was six years old. He took so much pressure off of me. He loved me and my son unconditionally. It was hard for me to return love in the same way that he gave it because of the way other men had treated me. I thought my husband was just being so great to me so he could get what he wanted; but he's never been that kind of man. After a couple of years of marriage, we had a son together and for the first time in my life, I experienced postpartum depression. I feel like this was the worst kind of depression that I've ever dealt with. It just came out of nowhere and I battled with wondering how I could be so depressed when God had given me such a beautiful gift. I felt so much guilt. I looked at the baby with resentment. I had feelings that I couldn't understand. I tried going on medication, but they put me on something that I was allergic to and I got violently ill. I decided then that I wouldn't go on medication again. 

Fast forward a couple of years down the road and depression came back. I was lonely and felt isolated, but instead of seeking out friendships, I isolated myself from the few friends I did have. The depression got so bad that I started picturing myself telling my boys goodbye, kissing them goodnight, and then getting in the car late at night while everyone was sleeping, and driving off the road on purpose. I believe that God intervened by giving me an ailment that I thought was brain cancer or a stroke or something else that would be terrible. I suddenly started seeing each day as a gift and realized that I really didn't want to die. It took me two years before God healed me of this thing. Doctors never figured out what it was, but I knew in my heart that it was placed there to bring me back to reality.

Depression does occasionally try to creep back into my life, but I recognize it much more quickly than I use to. I realize right away that Satan is attacking me. I seek God quickly to restore me back to a completely healthy mind. 

Stay tuned for more posts on depression. I want to discuss ways of overcoming depression and what to do (and what not to do) when your friend or family member is dealing with depression.  

Be blessed my friends! 

STOP TRYING TO FIGURE IT ALL OUT

Why are we always working so hard to try and figure everything out on our own? Will we ever learn that this isn't the way God intended it to be?

Let me give you some examples:

Bills ~ How will we pay them? There's more money that needs to go out than what we are bringing in. So what do we do? We spends hours, days, even months of our time creating plans that will either earn us extra income or decrease our living expenses. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. The Bible is full of verses that speak about using wisdom when it comes to money. But when it becomes an all-consuming thing and fear takes over, that's bad!

Work ~ What does God want me to be doing with my life? How can I get there? I'm afraid to take this leap. What if I don't like this new job? It just doesn't seem as secure as the one I have now. What if I don't get along with the other workers? Will this take too much time away from my family? What if it causes me to miss church? What if I fail?

Pregnancy ~ Will I ever get pregnant? I'll try everything I can. I want a baby so bad. Is something wrong with me? Is it my husband? Oh wow, there's a miracle inside of me. Wait, how are we going to afford this? What if something goes wrong? God don't let me lose this baby. Don't let me have a c-section. I want it this way!

Parenting ~ Another baby...how can I love it as much as I love the others? Protect them as they sleep God! Are they getting enough food? Am I feeding them too much junk? Don't let them ever get sick God. How can someone I love so much make me so angry? How can I control the anger? Private school, public school, or homeschool? I just can't handle this anymore. Are you sure this is what You want God? Wow, they grow up so fast! When do I have "the talk"? What will they be when they grow up? I pray that they will always keep you in their lives God. Protect them!

Relationships ~ Will I ever have real friend? God, I'm so lonely! What if I offend her? How could someone so close to me hurt me so badly? Save my lost family members God! Protect them!

Friends, I've experienced every one of these situations and there's a good chance that you have experienced many of them yourself. But the truth is, we need to stop living our lives like this. Trying to figure it all out on our own only leads to worry. Relax! God has had your best interests in mind since the time He thought of you. We know that His plans are to prosper us and give us hope!

I'm speaking to myself today. I've been feeling very unprepared with our 3rd baby on the way. I've been worrying about contractions and preterm labor, even though in the depths of my heart, I know my baby and I are going to be just fine. I want it a certain way! I want to have my house completely ready for him. But the truth is, I just can't do it.

But here's God's truth and what I want you to get today: Proverbs 19:21 (MSG) says, "We humans keep brainstorming options and plans, but God's purpose prevails".

It doesn't matter what you are facing today. GOD has a plan for you and it is His plan that will prevail. So, why waste anymore time trying to figure it all out? Just sit back, breathe, and let His peace come over you. Tell Him, "Your will, not mine. I give it to You, God." He already resolved your issues and He's already given you the resources to do everything that He wants you to accomplish. Follow His lead and let go of what you cannot handle or control.

Be blessed my friends!

Three Miracles

From a very young age, I always knew I wanted children of my own someday. I was always the mothering type and never met a baby who didn't absolutely love me. I would always hog the babies at family events or anywhere else I could get my hands on one. However, at the young age of 13, I began having issues with my female organs. The first was a cyst on one of my ovaries. It was very painful and wouldn't respond to medication, so it had to be surgically removed. Several months later I developed another cyst on the opposite ovary which also had to be surgically removed. At age 16, I was back in the hospital with the same issues, only this time the cyst had completely overtaken my ovary and started growing into it. My ovary had to be reconstructed. When I woke up from the surgery, the doctor had assumed that my parents had already told me what else happened during the procedure. He started talking about the steps I can take to deal with my endometriosis. For some reason, I already knew at this young age, what endometriosis was, and I began to cry. He also checked my incisions and for the first time, I realized that my stomach had been cut from one side to the other. My parents came back to the room and found me in tears and were shocked and very upset that the doctor had explained everything to me without them being there.

At just 16 years old, I was diagnosed with stage 3 endometriosis; stage 4 is the worst. The disease was all over my uterus, my ovaries, bowels, bladder and the rest of my pelvic area. The doctor said he had never seen anything like this on someone so young. One of the hardest things for me to realize was that they had cut me open, but there wasn't much they could do because the endometriosis had recently developed. They said it would be like plucking little, fine hairs. So they used a laser to get some of it, and then sewed me back up. So once again, before I turned 17, my other ovary was now overtaken by a cyst. It too had to be completely reconstructed and this time the endometrisis had grown enough that they could use the lasers and burn away what was there. They went through the same scar and cut me from one side of my stomach to the other again.

When I was 13 years old, a reproductive specialist told me that he didn't know if I would ever be able to have children. This news hurt so bad, even though I was so young. I would walk around in public, watching mommies taking care of their babies, and my eyes would fill with tears and my mind with wonder. Would that ever be me? Please God, let it be me. My greatest desire in life was to one day become a mommy.

At the age of 19, I was already living on my own and had a great job. I met someone that I though I'd spend forever with and because of all the talk I had heard that I may never have children, we decided to try for a baby. Much to my surprise, I became pregnant very quickly. I knew I had let some family members down because I wasn't married, but I didn't care. My biggest dream in the world had become true. My precious son was born a few months after my 20th birthday; a healthy, 8lb., 7oz. boy. I felt so complete.

My boys forever

The relationship with his dad quickly fell apart and I would spend the next 6 years as a single mommy. Through it all, I still felt so blessed because God had given me the desire of my heart. However, I longed for my son to have a daddy and for my loneliness to go away. It seems as if, once I got my focus off of trying to find someone, and set my eyes completely on the Lord, surrendering to His will, that's when I met the man that God had always intended for me. The very first time we met, we knew there was something between us. And by our first date, we both knew that God meant for us to be together. As crazy as it seems, we were engaged after just 3 months of knowing each other, and got married just 3 months after that. It was one of the best years of my entire life.

When we decided that we would try to have a child together, I had already had other surgeries on my ovaries than the ones I mentioned. We didn't want to put off having children too long because of my history and because I was getting closer to 30. I knew that the older you get, the harder it may be to become pregnant. It only took us about 5 months to conceive, but it seemed like an eternity to me. Everything was going wonderful with the pregnancy...until I went into labor. I noticed that once my water broke, I hadn't felt the baby move much, so I started to worry. I was progressing pretty fast and suddenly the doctor became concerned. The baby's heart rate would drop with each contraction and after several contractions, it's heart rate wasn't recovering. The doctor told me that I had 3 tries to get the baby out, even though I was only at 8cm dilated. I pushed 3 times, but knew that nothing was happening. Then the room got really busy and she said that we had 20 minutes to get the baby out. I was terrified! About 4 hours after my water broke, our stubborn little Stinky Face was born via c-section. The scar that was originally caused from a horrible disease was the same scar that my baby would come through to finally be held in my arms. His body was blue and he didn't cry right away, so I was scared out of my mind. I did SO much praying that night! The cord had been wrapped around his neck 3 times. Finally, he began to cry and I felt so much relief. That night turned out to be one of the happiest, yet most terrifying nights of my entire life.

First time I got to touch my little Stinky Face

Because of the horrible delivery that I had with Stinky Face, I allowed fear to set in and take control of my life. It was so bad that it affected my marriage. I would push my husband away because I was terrified that I might accidentally get pregnant. This fear was out of control and had such a tight grip on my life. Even though my heart had longed for more children, I thought that maybe we would just adopt in the future. I just couldn't go through another birth experience like that again.

Miracle # 3 on the way!

Four years went by. FOUR YEARS of my life, controlled by fear...when one day, we were at church and got called out by a prophet that we highly respect. He had already prophecied over us three other times and it's just amazing, the things that he had told us. This was the 2nd time that he told us that there would be a 3rd child in our home and that we had not yet reached the quota that God had in store for us. My heart was changed that day. I realized that I had to let go of the fear. If not, I would continue living outside of God's will for my life. So, my husband and I began praying and believing for baby #3. By now I had turned 33 years old. Months went by as I watched everyone else around me become pregnant. Each month, when I realized that I wasn't, I would just cry. But, deep down, I knew that God wanted to bless me with more children. It was the desire of my heart. After 8 months of praying, we finally conceived our third miracle!

I have complete peace now. I'm believing God that He will carry me and the baby through this pregnancy and when it's all said and done, HE will get all the victory! He has delivered me from my fears and He has blessed me with the greatest blessings I could every ask for. He has made all of my dreams come true by allowing me to be a mommy to His precious children! 

Be blessed my friends!

MY PSALM 91

Back in April when we put our home up for sale, God led me to one of my favorite chapters in the Bible, Psalm 91. I've read this chapter many times, but this time God spoke to my heart and told me to make it my Psalm 91. He told me to make it real for my life; so I did. I'm going to share mine with you below, and then I challenge you to write out Psalm 91 as it relates to your life. I encourage you to just get alone with the Lord for a little bit and allow Him to minister to you. There will be areas of your life where you know you have to rely on Him more, and those are the areas you can add to your Psalm. For example, I dealt with a strong fear of tornadoes, so instead of just saying nothing will harm me, I got specific and mentioned tornadoes and other fears that were taunting me. I also included bees because of a severe allergy that I've had that almost killed me when I was 13. I've had to deal with the fear of dying from getting stung for over 20 years now, but going back and reading my Psalm gives me the peace that I need, just to go outside with my kids during the summer.

I also want to add that as I was writing this verse, "Others may die all around me, but no harm will even graze me or my family. We will stand untouched, watching it all from a safe distance.", my husband was in a car accident that totaled his car. I actually had to stop writing my Psalm to take his call. He walked away from the accident without a scratch! Praise the Lord! This personal Psalm gave me so much peace and whenever I get anxious now, I get my journal out and reread these wonderful words:

My Psalm 91

I will sit down in the High God's presence and spend the night in His shadow. God is my refuge. I trust in Him and I am safe! He rescues me from hidden traps like people who don't have my best interests in mind. He shields me from deadly hazards like traffic accidents, diseases and all other forms of harm that are invisible to my own eyes. His huge, outstretched arm protects me. Under them I am 100% safe. I fear NOTHING ~ not robbers during the night, not tragedy during the day, not disease, not tornadoes, or any other form of natural disaster.

Others may die all around me, but no harm will even graze me or my family. We will stand untouched, watching it all from a safe distance. God is my refuge, the High God, my very own home. Evil can't get close to me, harm can't even get through the door. His angels have been ordered all around me, to guard me wherever I go. If I stumble, they'll catch me; their job is to keep me from falling. I'll walk unharmed among snakes and bees and all wild animals. The Lord says that if I will hold on to Him for dear life, He will get me out of any trouble, He'll give me the best of care if I get to know and trust Him. I will call Him and He will answer. He'll be at my side in bad times; He'll rescue me, then throw me a party. He'll give me a long life!

Be blessed my friends!

Freedom from the Cocoon

If you read my last post you'll know that I've had a lot going on lately. In my own words, I felt like "I was being ripped apart at the seams". Today I look at these struggles that I've gone through, with a different perspective. I mentioned that I wish someone would just tell me what to do because I just didn't know. Well, I made a major decision that will greatly impact my life and many others (unfortunately I'm not able to share this news yet), but after making the decision, I didn't have complete peace. I want nothing but to do the Father's will and I struggled with whether or not I was walking in His will. Satan was continuously whispering in my ear that I've made the wrong choice. I went up for prayer this past Sunday, for peace...and that's just what I received. Thank you Jesus!

The woman I prayed with told me that, had I not made this decision, there would've been something in my future staring me in the face and I wouldn't have even recognized it because I was too exhausted to even notice. When we finished praying, she reassured me that I had made the right choice.

Since the very moment of my prayer, I have felt this huge sense of relief, a burden lifted. And through my decision, I was able to tremendously bless a friend. Knowing that I am blessing her has brought me so much joy!

I now feel like the Lord has been trying to get me to come to this decision for quite some time, but I was too focused on what I thought was right. But now I can breathe easy and know that I put my trust in Him.  

Proverbs 3:5 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding". 

I am trying to fully walk in this as I face new obstacles. All these trials that I have gone through that led me to make the decision that I've made, were just God's way of preparing me. It was His way of helping me to let go of it when the timing was right. When I felt like I was being ripped apart at the seams, it turns out that the Lord was just ripping off another layer of the cocoon I've been living in. Now I am the butterfly who has been set free!  There was a change in me from the moment I prayed that prayer for peace. Not only did I receive peace, but I felt Jesus smiling down on me. I feel closer to Him than ever before. My mind has been cleared, wiped clean of Satan's lies! I have a fresh anointing and there's no turning back. The Lord's presence is so powerful in my life now. I give Him all the praise for bringing me to this point in my life and I look forward to all the possibilities in the future. 

Be blessed my friends!