HOPE

For years I've felt God's calling on my life to write. But lately, I've been so busy raising my children that I'm purely exhausted by the time I get them down for a nap or in bed for the night. I'm not sure how other mom bloggers do it. When I'm not flat out exhausted, I'm busy taking care of other things that need my attention. Lately I've felt a stronger desire to start writing again, but I can't even think of anything that I feel is worth writing. I'm sure that is Satan's desire for me, to feel inadequate. But when I came back to my blog today after months of being away from it, I discovered something very interesting. YOU'RE STILL HERE! I still have people visiting, even though I haven't written since April. So to you, I say THANK YOU! Thank you for instilling hope into my life again; hope that someone out there really does want to hear what God puts on my heart. 

And now, I pray that I can give back some of that hope that you've given me.

Today I feel like there's someone who will read this that just needs to know that life gets a little crazy for everyone at different points in life. It's not just you or me. 

My favorite sign in our house.
It's a constant reminder to me that this is not the end!

Dear mom reading this, you will get through this stage of life and it will happen SO fast! Our oldest is 16 years old. I feel like it was just yesterday that I was holding him in my arms. Our baby is already over a year old. I no longer have to rock him to sleep and he's sleeping through most nights. He's starting to play a little more on his own. It will get easier! Those sleepless nights and endless feedings only last for a short while, but if you're right in the middle of it, it seems like it will go on forever. But one day, you'll actually miss it. I promise! Everyone told me that and I didn't believe them. Our baby is the last baby we can have, so it's so bitter sweet to watch him grow up.

Dear single mom, I've been there too. I can't count the times that I cried out to God and wondered why I had to do it all on my own and why my son didn't have a dad like he deserved. But God had a perfect plan there too. I just had to be patient and wait for God's timing. I wish I could've done it with a better attitude. I got downright mad at God for feeling like He abandoned me. But now I can see reasons for Him making me wait. He had the perfect husband for me and the best dad to my son. God was just waiting for me to take my focus off of finding a man, and fixing my eyes completely on Him. Once I finally did that, I met my husband only 6 months later.

If you're a woman who has been told she can't have kids, I can relate to that too. I'm very blessed to have my 4 boys because there was a time that a doctor told me that he didn't know if I would ever have any children. I had stage 3 endometriosis at just 16 years old. How my heart ached when I saw others with their children. And it really bothered me when I saw people who didn't treat their children well. I wondered why God would give them children and not me. I know He has a plan for those families too, but it seemed so unfair. I ask that if you are in this stage, trying to have children, please try to put ALL of your trust in the Lord. He has great plans for you! Jeremiah 29:11 ~ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I hope this post has spoken to you and given you hope. No matter what you are going through, God really sees you and cares for you. Even if you're not a woman and your struggles have nothing to do with parenting, He cares about you. You will get through these hard times!

Be blessed my friends. 

MY JOURNEY TO A VBA2C

It's almost been 2 years since I have last given birth. Up until now I just accepted the way things went. I was exhausted and hungry and the baby's heart rate started to decelerate so my doctor suggested a c-section in order to avoid another emergency c-section.

The only picture of me and baby just after the c-section.

Now here I am just a couple of months away from giving birth again and I'm thinking about the way I am hopeful that birth will go. I have been educating myself for over 7 months because I want to try to deliver vaginally after having had 2 c-sections. Because of all the reading and researching I have done, I now realize that a c-section most likely could've been avoided the last time, had I educated myself more then. Almost 2 years later and I sit here fuming over my last birth experience. No, I didn't need a c-section! I needed food! And I needed to move off of that hospital bed. I didn't even think about it then, but looking back I remember that I didn't move from that bed once I was I was admitted, except to go to the restroom. I'm also upset because for my last two births, I missed my baby's first bath. While everyone else was oohing and aahing at my little boys and taking pictures, I was in the recovery room. I'm grateful for those pictures, but so sad that I missed that special moment. Now that I'm writing about this, I'm even more upset because I can't find a picture of my baby's first bath. Apparently they are on someone else's camera.

Things WILL be different this time. I am doing everything I can to have a natural childbirth experience. And even if something happened and I needed another c-section, I will NOT miss my baby's first bath! I will make sure they are clear on that. Of course if there is a medical reason that the baby needs cleaned up right away, I will understand that.

Here are some of the things I am doing to have a better birth experience this time around:

PRAYER ~ The most important thing I have done is praying specific prayers for this pregnancy and birth. My prayers started before conception and it is amazing to watch what all God has already done for me. I recommend writing your prayers down so you can go back over them later and see the work God has done.

EDUCATION ~ I have been reading and researching for over 7 months. I have joined several VBAC (Vaginal birth after cesarean) groups, cesarean groups, ICAN, and other pregnancy groups on social media. A couple of great books I have read are "Ina May's Guide to Childbirth", and "Supernatural Childbirth". I am currently watching "The Business of Being Born" series.

CHIROPRACTIC CARE ~ This week I will begin working with a chiropractor. I've heard a lot of women's stories about how going to the chiropractor relieved certain prenatal symptoms like leg and hip pain. I am particularly interested because I have read about how they can help align everything properly, which in turn can help speed up delivery by helping the baby pass through the birth canal easier than if you hadn't been adjusted.

EXERCISE ~ I am SO happy that the weather is finally warming up where I live! I now get out and walk every chance I get. It sure wears me out, but I know I'm doing a great thing for my body and for this baby. I believe that staying active will help me achieve a better birth experience.

HYDRATION ~ I have a history of preterm labor. I also have a history of major leg cramps during pregnancy. I suddenly realize now with my 4th pregnancy that both of these things were most likely linked to dehydration. I try to drink water throughout my day and I do my best to avoid pop. My new rule with pop is that I will only drink it when I go out to eat. No pop in the house! This has really helped me drink more water. So far I've had no leg cramps and no signs of preterm labor. Praise God!

HIRE A DOULA ~ I feel blessed that I have met a doula who seems very compatible for me. My favorite thing about her so far is that we are like-minded spiritually. She is a Christian just like me and she's not afraid to profess it. I am looking forward to her reminding me of God's love for me during labor. This is my 1st experience with a doula, but from all of my research and reading people's stories, not once have I heard anyone say that they regret paying for a doula.

LABOR AT HOME LONGER ~ Here's where I feel that I really missed the mark with the birth of my last son. I know that I went to the hospital too early. Even though I had been contracting all through the night, they weren't really painful. I probably could've just drank more water and tried to relax more. Then maybe I could've walked and moved around more at home before going in. I guess I was just so exhausted and ready for it to be over with, that I thought going to the hospital would speed things along and I could find relief. I'm sure it sped things along, but not in the way I was thinking. I don't know what I was thinking actually. But once we were admitted to the hospital, I was put on their time clock and before I knew it, one intervention led to another, which eventually ended with my 2nd c-section.

EAT, DRINK, AND RELAX ~ Another huge mistake I made before going to the hospital the last time, was going in completely exhausted and on an empty stomach. Now, I'm not suggesting a huge meal before going in, but I definitely will put something healthy in my belly before arriving at the hospital. I'm also sneaking in a small protein snack of some sort. I refuse to try to labor while feeling completely starved. I know there are risks of aspiration if a c-section becomes necessary, but I'm going with my gut on this one and I choose to eat! I will also try to relax as much as possible while I'm still at home. I was just way too anxious for the baby to be here the last time.

THIS IS MY BIRTH EXPERIENCE ~ Above everything else, I have learned that I have a right to say NO. I hired my doctors. They work for me! I can't believe it has taken me this long to realize that I have a voice and I need to use it. I feel so much more educated this time around and it's not just because this is my 4th pregnancy. I have learned so much because I so desperately desire a better birth experience this time around. Even if things do end up with another c-section, I will know in my heart that I did everything that I possibly could do to prevent it, and I think that is what will finally give me the peace that I need.

Now, don't get me wrong, I don't tell the doctors no to everything. I have agreed to be monitored, but I will not labor in bed for hours upon hours like I did with the last child. I will move around beside the bed and bounce on a ball if I feel like it. I have also agreed to have an IV in place, but nothing will be running through it unless a c-section becomes necessary.

The only picture of have of me in labor. That's the bed I stayed in until I was
taken down the hallway for the c-section.

Some examples of what I have said NO to this time around:

Pap Smear ~ I don't know exactly why I turned this down because I have had a pap smear with all 3 of my previous pregnancies and all of my babies were fine. For some reason, I just didn't have peace about it this time. When I don't have peace, I feel like that is God's way of telling me to be careful. My doctor agreed to wait until my 6 week postpartum check up to do the pap smear.

Screening Tests for Genetic Abnormalities ~ Because of my age, this is something that some doctors would try to push. The risks for diseases such as Down's syndrome and other chromosome abnormalities increases as the mother ages. I turned down the screening because I knew in my heart that even if my baby had any kind of defect, I would love it just the same. There is no way I would abort my child, even if my own life were at risk. Although knowing ahead of time that something were wrong could help me better prepare, I still thought it would be best to just turn down those tests and put it all in God's hands.

3 hour glucose test ~ I failed the 1 hour test, but knew in my heart that I would pass the 3 hour test, however, I wasn't willing to put myself (and the baby) through the hours of fasting and blood work because the 1 hour test made me so ill. As a compromise, I agreed to monitor my sugar at home for 2 weeks. It turned out that my numbers were so great that I didn't need to continue monitoring after the first week. See, I knew it!

I have yet to write my birth plan, so I'm sure there will be other things I will be saying NO to. I plan to have the baby room in with me as much as possible. We will be delaying cord clamping and eye drops. I'm not really sure what else I will include yet. Just taking one day at a time. I will be writing that out in the next week or so and I will share it with you. Until then...

Be blessed my friends!

It's been over a month again since my last post. I want to make my blog a priority just like so many other things in my life, but it's just so tough these days. I am extremely exhausted with this pregnancy. I try to do things like let sun shine into the house as much as possible, when it's actually shining. I have started taking B vitamins on top of my regular prenatals. I get out and walk as much as I can. I try to force water. I just don't know what else to do. I don't think it's mostly the pregnancy's fault, but rather, this guy:

His personality is as big in real life as it is in this picture. Man he sure keeps me on my toes! He's constantly throwing things, dumping things, and tearing up things. He's a runner and a screamer. One of his new favorite words is "NO". He's a mocker and since I have two older boys in the house, one of his other favorite words is "penis".

There's never a dull moment in our home!

Be blessed my friends!

Over the Half Way Mark

This picture was taken last week on Valentine's Day. I was 23 and a half weeks pregnant. I felt so pretty and had a lot of positive comments from my friends about how young I looked. I'll take those compliments any day, but especially when I'm pregnant and feeling big! Now I am over 24 weeks. It's crazy how fast this pregnancy is going. Everything is going great! I've had great blood pressure and no complications. The Braxton Hicks contractions have started, but I've noticed that I can keep them minimal by drinking lots of water. I've had preterm labor with my other 3, but I'm praying it away this time. I also haven't had any leg cramps during this pregnancy, which was always one of my biggest fears. Those things are so painful! I drink a lot of water and take Magnesium every night right before bed. I also sleep with a heating pad on my legs. The only symptom that really bothers me this time around is fatigue. I'm just SO tired, all the time. I think it's because I'm still doing all the things I've always had to do, but this time around I'm also chasing a very demanding and messy toddler around the house. I love him to pieces, but his nap time is my saving grace! That's the only way I'm able to write this right now. Well, I just wanted to give everyone a pregnancy update. Can't wait to be holding our little guy in my arms. Thankfully I should be finished homeschooling for the year when he's born, so that will give us time to just focus on him and trying to establish a routine before we start school all over again. Until next time...

Be blessed my friends!

From My Heart (Continued)

One day shy of 20 weeks with baby # 4

Well, it's been almost 2 weeks since my last post so I thought I'd give you an update. I'm doing much better, but still have a little ways to go. Time really does help heal a lot of things. I'm still in denial that I'm actually having a 4th boy. I look at my ultrasound picture a lot and I question it. I've even shared it with others who also question it. It has 3 lines (which is what you hear all the time when it's a girl), just the middle line is out a bit further than the other 2. Someone in my mom's group on Facebook shared a picture of their "It's a girl" ultrasound and I swear, my ultrasound picture looks a lot like that one. I go back on in 2 weeks for another ultrasound because of my age. This is one time I'm actually glad I'm a bit older. I'll get a second look at the baby and hopefully they'll have a better look at the private areas and ease any confusion that I still have.

Until then, I'm just trying to convince myself that it is a boy. I'm trying to bring myself to buy something for him, but I just can't get excited over anything. I mean, have you seen the baby girl clothes? They are ridiculously cute and they are everywhere! Try finding something that is cute for a boy. I mean, really cute. The options really stink! I think I'm going to have to go to a boutique store and spend a lot of money on one item just to make myself feel better.

The support from my friends and family have been a tremendous help in my healing process. I told them that I didn't want any comments (and I really thought I didn't), but I honestly don't know where I'd be right now if they hadn't reached out to me in the only ways they knew how. I'm very blessed and grateful for people who don't give up on me when I'm down. They are always there to lift me back up. They might not have had the right words, but they tried and that speaks mountains to my heart.

Moving on! No more posts about gender dissapointment because deep down I know that I will love this baby no matter what the gender is. I love my 3 sons with all of my heart. My heart aches just thinking of when they will be grown and leave me. Sadly, that may not be too far off for my oldest. They are each such a blessing to my life. They have changed me inside and out. I'm still working on making myself a better person, because I want to be the best for them.

God has really been speaking to me about writing more. It's my outlet and I believe it's a gift from Him. It's a gift that He wants me to share with others. So, I plan to write more often (I know, you've heard this before). He wants me to be an encourager to others because there are too many people in this world who don't have a great support system like I do. So stay tuned for some encouraging, uplifting messages (along with other tidbits of my life).

Be blessed my friends!

BIG NEWS FOR OUR FAMILY

I can't believe (once again) how long it's been since I wrote anything on here. I usually have good excuses though. This time I am writing to share some exciting news for our family.

That's right! We are expecting our 4th blessing! Arriving some time early in June of 2015. I'm so excited and of course hoping for a girl since we have got to experience boyhood 3 times already. Of course, I sure love my boys and wouldn't ever even think of life without them. God knows what He's doing so I trust that He's giving me what He knows I can handle. This has been the easiest pregnancy so far! I have had some nausea and I've gagged a lot, but never actually thrown up. I don't think I ever threw up with my last two either. God is awesome! I'm praying hard over this pregnancy. 

My parents are thousands of miles away from me now, so for their sake, I will make a better effort to post on here to keep them updated. I know they miss their grand babies and I sure miss them too! Thanks for stopping by!

Be blessed my friends! (I know I am.)

JUST WALK AWAY

I've decided to start blogging more about my homeschool journey. Too often, I see other mothers who are ready to throw in the towel after having a bad day (or many bad days). 

I want these moms to know:

A. They are not alone.

B. There will be bad days, but it happens to all of us.

C. It doesn't have to stay bad.

This is our 8th year of homeschooling. That's so hard to believe. In no way do I consider myself an expert, but I do hope that I can help and encourage newer homeschoolers by sharing my journey with them.

Most of the moms who are having a difficult time are mothers with small children in the house. As you can see by this picture, I too have a small child and he is into EVERYTHING! He's very demanding and he's very much a momma's boy. One thing I do have working in my advantage though, is a teenage son who helps me out a lot.
(I will share with you in a later post just how we manage our homeschool.)

Even though I have my oldest son's help, I still have MANY days where I feel swallowed up by homeschool. I forget about the positive reasons for homeschooling and I just want to run away. The picture above was taken yesterday. It was one of those days where I felt very overwhelmed. So I got my youngest two dressed and went for a walk. The walk was mostly for me, but it was really good for them too. By the time I made it around the block, the baby was asleep. Thank God he stayed asleep when we got home! I put him in his crib and he took a 2 hour nap. 

Sometimes we just need to step away from the situation and get a change of scenery. This goes for many situations in life, not just homeschool. So the next time you feel like you just can't take anymore, get out of the house. Take in some fresh air. Talk to God. Love on your kids and thank God for them. Until next time...

Be blessed my friends!

I AM NOT PERFECT, BUT THAT'S OKAY

Already FIVE whole days have gone by since my last post! I just don't understand how to make the time to write. Currently my husband is holding our baby; the child who won't let us put him down lately without screaming and crying and throwing himself backwards on the floor. He is dealing with a bug bite on his ankle that made his ankle and foot swell up pretty big and turn a reddish-purple color. He's also dealing with teething and bowel problems. And aside from all of that, he's definitely a momma's boy. I usually don't mind. I love cuddling with him. But too often, I just can't. I have two other boys who need my attention and help with school work. Not to mention housework and other responsibilities. Still, I try holding him as often as I can because I know that these days are passing by so quickly and soon enough he won't want to be held. 

A pic from a better school day!

Today felt like a complete fail, besides the fact that we finished all of our homeschool work (even if it was around 7:30 in the evening). 

Here's just a bit of how the day went: 

We got a late start, I changed TEN poopy diapers, all 3 boys were acting up in one way or another, I never got my shower or even got to wipe yesterday's makeup off of my face. I'm still sitting here in my pajamas at 9:30 in the evening. I had a major headache and felt tired most of the day. I'm sad to admit that I raised my voice much more than I should have. I'm really working on trying to be a gentle parent. Today was definitely a challenge for me in that area!

On days like today I really need God to speak to me in a loud, clear voice because it's just too noisy to hear His whispers. I am a perfectionist. I'm not perfect, but I expect things to be great. I hold myself to very high expectations. I've struggled in comparing myself to the Proverbs 31 woman and today I felt very far from being that woman I strive to be! Thankfully, as I sat down eating dinner, I read something that really stood out to me. What I read today was this, "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God." Jesus said this in Matthew 5:8. Thank God that He didn't say, "Blessed are the perfect." Instead, blessed are those who seek after His heart and desire to make good choices. Blessed are those who walk with Him and try to apply His Word to their daily lives.

God knows my heart! He knows that He means the world to me. He knows that I strive to be the best mother and wife that I can be. He knows my deep desires to be a gentle, patient mommy to my boys. He knows that even on days like today, when I didn't make the time to study my Bible, that I still love Him and want to walk in His ways. Sometimes we just need to remind ourselves that we are not perfect! But we are pure in heart! That's all that matters! Jesus was the only perfect one and where we fall short, He fills in the gaps and offers His grace and mercy.

I'm so glad that His mercies are new every morning. All I can do is to try to not expect perfection and continue to draw near to Him. I'm looking forward to a new start tomorrow.

Be blessed my friends!

TAKING TIME OUT TO LOVE ON THEM IS OKAY

See this cute face!

           Ever have days where you think, "They're lucky they're so cute."?

                       Today has been one of those days. This poor thing has had constipation issues all day and of course it was my very first day homeschooling both of my other boys with no one to help me with him. It went worse than I had expected.  :(   But in the midst of it all, I calmed down and just took the time out that this little guy needed to be loved on. I've held him so much today that my back and arms hurt. But I can't get these moments back. I hate him feeling so miserable, but I love that he wants his mommy. He knows that I love him and will do whatever I can to comfort him. I love just holding him and rubbing my hand through his soft, messy hair. I love staring into his big, beautiful blue eyes; those eyes that look to me for the answers. I just hold him and whisper that it's okay.

So my first full day of homeschool didn't go as planned, but my boys all know that when they really need me, I'll stop whatever I'm doing to be there for them. Sometimes we need to see the bigger picture. It's not always about checking things off of our list. Trust God with all the details, do your best, and let the rest go. Sometimes you just have to remember to breathe. But God will get us through all the ups and downs in life. Here's hoping for a more productive tomorrow. But if it's another day spent holding my baby, that will be okay too.

Be blessed my friends! 

GOD'S LITTLE REMINDER

God’s Little Reminder

This is one of the many songs I have written.
Finished on March 12, 2008 while waiting on the birth of our 2nd son.

I was down and out

all worried about

all the bills we had to pay

I wondered how we'd make it

in this little home

with a baby on the way

I hung my head down

and I started to cry

All I could do is ask

God...why?

In a moment when

all hope seemed gone

that tiny little baby

started kicking up a storm

and I knew right then...

that it was God's little reminder

to cling to HIM a little bit tighter

   And He will see us through

Six years later

he overheard me talkin

on the phone one night

saying I was a horrible mom

and a worthless wife

I hung up the phone

and I started to cry

All I could do is ask

God...why?

In a moment when

all hope seemed gone

my little boy hugged me

and asked, "mom what's wrong"

And I knew right then...

that he was God's little reminder

to cling to HIM a little bit tighter

   And He will see us through

   Yeah, He will see us through

Thank God for little reminders.

WHAT KIND OF MOM ARE YOU?

Have you seen the latest terms for mothers? Silky, Crunchy, and Scrunchy? Basically it puts mothers in these 3 categories. 

• Silky is supposed to be a "modern" mother who prefers a medicated hospital birth, disposable diapers, bottle feeding, crib sleeping, etc. 

• Crunchy in my opinion is like a modern day hippie; breast feeding, cloth diapering, co-sleeping, natural, home births, etc.

• Scrunchy would be a combination of silky and crunchy.

Am I the only mother who is NOT OKAY WITH THIS? 

Don't we have enough pressure on us already? Pressure to keep up with the house, make sure everyone else is taken care of, pressure to fit in Bible time and exercise, disciplining our children, guiding them, and educating them. Pressure to budget and work on our family finances. Pressure to keep up with friendships. We have enough to worry about! It's hard enough just living life in these times. Times where social media is rampant and adds more and more guilt to us mothers. Tell me I'm not alone! Even though I know that I do my best to make life interesting for my kids, I feel pressure to post it on Facebook, just because I want all the other mommies to know that I do stuff with my kids too. 

We already compare ourselves to each other so much! 

Do we really need more titles? 

She homeschools. She bakes great meals all the time for her family. She uses all natural products and cloth diapers. She makes her own baby food. She balances work and family life. She breast feeds. She bottle feeds. Her baby sleeps in his own crib. She had him in a hospital. You know what? I don't care what kind of products you use, whether you work or choose to stay home, whether you bottle feed or breast feed. 

All I care about and all you should care about too, is that you do the very best you can with what God has given you to love your children with all of your heart. 

Many moms, including myself would've loved to parent a certain way, but that's not how it worked out. For example, I wanted natural births, but I ended up with 2 emergency c-sections. Does that make me less of a "crunchy" momma? Better yet, does that make my love for my children any less? No it doesn't!

I refuse to beat myself up over these man (woman)-given titles. God's plans have thankfully prevailed in my life, regardless of how I expected things to turn out. He has a reason for my c-sections. He has a plan for all the pain I went through, just trying to make it one more day with breastfeeding. His plans for calling me to quit my job of 10 years to homeschool my kids is becoming more clear to me each day. I can't wear my baby no matter how many different brands of gear I try. It just doesn't work for me. So, thank God for strollers and strong arms! 

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~ Jeremiah 29:11

Let's take more time focusing on God's plans for us, instead of trying to fit into certain categories. Follow His plans and you will prosper in so many ways!

My name is Amanda and I'm a mom! A mom that loves my kids with all of my heart. That's all that matters! I have peace!  

Be blessed my friends!