The Lion

This morning I had a very prophetic dream. I can barely remember any of the actual details of the dream, except that there was a lion with it's mouth open and I heard these words, "The lion's mouth is never shut". When I woke up, those words just kept running through my head. The lion's mouth is never shut. The lion's mouth is never shut. Then suddenly I felt within my spirit, something telling me that God is the lion, and His mouth is never shut because He is always looking out for me. He is always fighting the enemy off on my behalf. The Lion's mouth is never shut!

http://wallpapertags.com/images/roaring-lion-44006

Wow! What a vision! I thought about this more and more. And I feel like God is just trying to remind us that no matter what things appear like, no matter how broken your life may seem, He is watching and waiting. His mouth is open wide and He is attacking the enemy without you even realizing it. He has saved you over and over. He has kept you from car wrecks and other bad situations that you didn't even see coming. You have no idea what almost happened. He's working in the background, when you think He has forgotten about you. So, as hard as it may seem, please try to focus on the unseen instead of what you see with your own eyes. Praise God for bringing you through all the storms that you've gone through. And praise Him for bringing you through the ones you knew nothing about!

Be blessed my friends!

From My Heart (Continued)

One day shy of 20 weeks with baby # 4

Well, it's been almost 2 weeks since my last post so I thought I'd give you an update. I'm doing much better, but still have a little ways to go. Time really does help heal a lot of things. I'm still in denial that I'm actually having a 4th boy. I look at my ultrasound picture a lot and I question it. I've even shared it with others who also question it. It has 3 lines (which is what you hear all the time when it's a girl), just the middle line is out a bit further than the other 2. Someone in my mom's group on Facebook shared a picture of their "It's a girl" ultrasound and I swear, my ultrasound picture looks a lot like that one. I go back on in 2 weeks for another ultrasound because of my age. This is one time I'm actually glad I'm a bit older. I'll get a second look at the baby and hopefully they'll have a better look at the private areas and ease any confusion that I still have.

Until then, I'm just trying to convince myself that it is a boy. I'm trying to bring myself to buy something for him, but I just can't get excited over anything. I mean, have you seen the baby girl clothes? They are ridiculously cute and they are everywhere! Try finding something that is cute for a boy. I mean, really cute. The options really stink! I think I'm going to have to go to a boutique store and spend a lot of money on one item just to make myself feel better.

The support from my friends and family have been a tremendous help in my healing process. I told them that I didn't want any comments (and I really thought I didn't), but I honestly don't know where I'd be right now if they hadn't reached out to me in the only ways they knew how. I'm very blessed and grateful for people who don't give up on me when I'm down. They are always there to lift me back up. They might not have had the right words, but they tried and that speaks mountains to my heart.

Moving on! No more posts about gender dissapointment because deep down I know that I will love this baby no matter what the gender is. I love my 3 sons with all of my heart. My heart aches just thinking of when they will be grown and leave me. Sadly, that may not be too far off for my oldest. They are each such a blessing to my life. They have changed me inside and out. I'm still working on making myself a better person, because I want to be the best for them.

God has really been speaking to me about writing more. It's my outlet and I believe it's a gift from Him. It's a gift that He wants me to share with others. So, I plan to write more often (I know, you've heard this before). He wants me to be an encourager to others because there are too many people in this world who don't have a great support system like I do. So stay tuned for some encouraging, uplifting messages (along with other tidbits of my life).

Be blessed my friends!

FROM MY HEART

Tuesday was our big day. We went to have an ultrasound on the baby. Everything went great. Well, almost everything. The placenta is close to my cervix, but there's still plenty of time for it to move up, so for now I'm going to try to remain positive about it. The doctor had to step out for a delivery so I asked the ultrasound tech a few questions about my Vba2C (vaginal birth after 2 cesareans). I left feeling discouraged because she told me that they won't let me go past 40 weeks. What in the world? 40 weeks is just an estimated due date! And from all of my research, I know that being induced can increase my risks of uterine rupture. She also said the baby can't be over a certain weight. Bull! I know of plenty of women who have had Vbacs with big babies. I'm just going to take her words as a grain of salt until I actually get a chance to talk to my doctor. I really hope his words are more encouraging to me. I am scheduled to go for another ultrasound next month because of my age. Yay! Way to make me feel old. They look for chromosomal disorders, down syndrome being the most common. So far though, everything looks great with the baby.

I had the technician find out the gender as we all closed our eyes. She wrote down what it was and put it in two separate envelopes; one for the cake maker for our reveal party, and one for us to verify later. Once we were home I just couldn't stop thinking about the gender. I started getting a strong feeling that it was another boy. I fought back tears just thinking about it. Don't get me wrong please. I love my boys with all of my heart, but I really had my heart set on this baby being a girl. Everything about this pregnancy is different. I was sure it was a girl. But what if I was wrong? I suddenly realized that if I wait until the party to find out, there's a 50/50 chance that it could be a boy. I realized that I would probably cry my eyes out in front of everyone and then have to leave the room. That would be so awkward and not the way I imagined our fun party to turn out.

I jokingly held up one of the envelopes towards the light (without anyone knowing). It was a brown envelope so I didn't expect to see anything...but I did. I was sure I saw the word BOY. I fought back tears hard. Once the kids had left the room I told my husband what had happened. I asked him if he'd be mad at me if I opened the envelope to make sure. He said he wouldn't. So I opened it. I was right. My heart just sank. I cried, and cried, and cried. I said things that I already regret. My head felt like it was going to explode. I ended up crying myself to sleep around 1:30 in the morning.

We cancelled the party. I felt like I was mourning the loss of something, and I was. I was mourning the loss of the dream of having my own daughter; my own little princess. I wanted so badly to buy pink things. I wanted a little girl to go shopping with. Someone to have my hair and nails done with; all these things that I missed out on with my own mother because she was such a hard worker. We never really had that mother/daughter relationship that I longed for. I really thought I could experience that with my own daughter, but I feel like I'll never have that chance now.

I don't want to share my news with anyone, but I'm sure that most who were going to come to the party have assumed the truth. I feel let down. I feel like I'm letting other people down. I know so many others who hoped that this would be our girl. I don't want to hear the comments. "At least it's healthy". "You're so blessed to be having 4 kids when so many moms can't even have 1". I get all of that, but I don't want to hear it. It's not helpful to me right now.

For now it's extremely hard for me to think of my pregnant friends who are finding out they are having girls. It's hard to think of all the people around me who have girls. Why couldn't I just have one? I feel like no one is really going to care much about this baby. If it were a girl, I would've had the gender reveal party and celebrated with friends and family. I would've had a baby shower. She wouldn't have had only hand-me-downs from her 3 older brothers. There will be no exciting picture to announce the gender on facebook. I'm finding it so hard to find any excitement in this whatsoever. I don't feel a connection with this baby. Even when I thought that it might be a girl I felt that way. I thought it was just because I don't feel this one moving as much. Now I just don't know. I don't want to buy anything for it. I don't want to come up with another G name. And then I feel extremely guilty for having these feelings that I can't seem to control.

Why can't I find it in me to celebrate and be happy over this wonderful blessing that God is trusting me with? Even when I hold my 1 year old and see that joy that he brings into my life, I still feel like a piece of my life is missing: my little girl that I'll probably never have. I'm very depressed. I'm just not myself. I'm finding it so hard to get back to my old self. I feel like I'm purposely isolating myself because I don't want anyone's pity and I don't want the opposite either. I just don't want to be around anyone. I guess I just need time to come to terms with this. I'm sure God has a reason for giving me 4 boys and I am grateful for their health. I'm sure I will love and connect with this baby in time. And that's just what I need...time.

Be blessed my friends!

Our Grinch Tradition

Each year the Grinch comes to our house after Santa does. He makes a mess of things and plays tricks on the boys. Here are some highlights of his trip this year:

The snowflakes were already there (the Grinch isn't that good). But he took the green streamers and made a mess with them. 

He also t-peed our tree with his green paper. And see that funky looking gift in front of the gate, next to the Santa gifts? Well, that was Mr. Grinch's gift to our middle child. That Grinch sure does a very sloppy wrapping job. The gift was a Grinch matching game.

WARNING: THE NEXT PICTURE CONTAINS SOMETHING NASTY! VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

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And here's something the Grinch does every year:

He uses our bathrooms! Our 6 year old remembered to look for this and he was so excited as he ran down the hall to check out the toilet. What a priceless, funny moment!

I guess he creates a self portrait of himself in the bathroom just in case we didn't notice what he left in the toilet! Haha

He turned the boy's milk green and made "Grinch Pudding". He also put eyeballs on a lot of the food and drinks in our refrigerator; see the egg cartoons. I really hope he washed his hands before he messed with this stuff!

My favorite thing of all that the Grinch did this year was something I would've just loved as a child.

Somehow he managed to sneak an entire room full of balloons into G2's room while he was sleeping. What a site that was! The balloons not only covered his entire floor, but were piling up on top of each other. There was also a small, blue tree with candy canes and ornaments in his room, but we aren't sure if that was from the Grinch or Santa. This was a year that this little boy will remember for the rest of his life!

Be blessed my friends!

OUR LITTLE PEANUT

Just wanted to share our first pictures of our newest addition. Heart rate was 173 and it was moving all around. I am over the moon with excitement. I'm just still in awe that God is really giving me the desires of my heart and that is to have four children of my own. It's something I've dreamed of since I was a teenager and the doctors told me that they didn't know if I would ever be able to have any children. Thank you Jesus for my children!

Be blessed my friends!

BIG NEWS FOR OUR FAMILY

I can't believe (once again) how long it's been since I wrote anything on here. I usually have good excuses though. This time I am writing to share some exciting news for our family.

That's right! We are expecting our 4th blessing! Arriving some time early in June of 2015. I'm so excited and of course hoping for a girl since we have got to experience boyhood 3 times already. Of course, I sure love my boys and wouldn't ever even think of life without them. God knows what He's doing so I trust that He's giving me what He knows I can handle. This has been the easiest pregnancy so far! I have had some nausea and I've gagged a lot, but never actually thrown up. I don't think I ever threw up with my last two either. God is awesome! I'm praying hard over this pregnancy. 

My parents are thousands of miles away from me now, so for their sake, I will make a better effort to post on here to keep them updated. I know they miss their grand babies and I sure miss them too! Thanks for stopping by!

Be blessed my friends! (I know I am.)

ORGANIZING HOMESCHOOL CURRICULUM

Today I want to share how we organize our curriculum for our 1st grader. This year we are doing Abeka and I couldn't be more pleased with it. My son is learning so much! He's becoming and excellent reader and writing with great penmanship. I have found a great way to organize all of his daily work. I had this cart in my closet, not being used and it just happened to work out perfectly. There are just enough drawers for each subject.

 At the top of the cart (on picture below) you can see my teacher manuals. I keep them there for easy access. I also keep my binder on top. As I grade his work, I hole punch each page and then put it in my binder where I also keep other records like field trips, attendance, and so on. The top drawer says Bible, but this is also where I keep my small supplies like dry-erase markers, the hole puncher, stickers, etc.

I have labeled each drawer in the order that we do each subject. This really helps us both know what to do next. The only thing that varies is the seat work drawer. Sometimes he does that out of order because I usually assign that whenever I can go take a shower, so he can be working on his work independently.

I try to make it a point to take about 15 minutes or so each night to prepare for the next day. This means writing things on our dry-erase board, tearing out pages and adding only those pages to his drawers, and gathering together any other objects that are needed. This is a huge help for me when we do school the next day. When preparing for the next day, I go to my front hall closet where I keep a bookshelf. This is where I store all of the books and cards that are not currently in use. I have bags hanging above the shelf. Inside the bags are things that I have already cut out or prepared, but I'm not currently using.

It's messy and has some extra things on it,
but this is our shelf and it works for us!

I hope this has helped you get some ideas to make organizing your homeschool curriculum easier. I think that without this system I would be going crazy every single day, trying to figure out what comes next. I imagine that I would also be misplacing things and I sure don't need to add anymore chaos to our days. If you have organizing tips, please share them in the comments!

Be blessed my friends!

FINDING JOY IN THE LITTLE THINGS

It's so funny to me how often I hear the words, "I could never do that". It's usually mentioned when talking about being a stay at home mom or especially homeschooling my kids. I never thought I could do it either, but God doesn't call the qualified. He calls those who will listen to Him and then He equips them with everything they need. This has been an 8 year journey for us and it's never really been easy. But God never promised easy. He did promise that He would never leave or forsake me and that He'll never give me more than I can bare. Some days I question Him on that. I wonder, "Do you really think I can handle all of this God?". This week has been a perfect example. We have no extra money right now. We have a leak in our roof and our heat and air completely stopped working. Our 6 year old has been having major behavior issues and I can't figure out exactly what's going on with him. The baby wants no one but me. On one hand I really love that, but on the other hand, my back hurts and sometimes I just need a break. I could go on and on about other issues going on right now, but I'll spare you the details. It's just been rough!

I've tried to make things better. I've added more games to my 6 year old's school work and I tried helping our teenager with his science project. The only thing that got me was a blister on my finger from the glue gun.

Here he is working on a glider:

Today was the worst day of all. It's almost 4 in the evening and I haven't really done any school with the 6 year old. I had such a stressful morning that I decided to just get us all ready and head to Chick-fil-a. I just had to get out of the house. I think the kids needed it too.

Here's a couple of pictures I took of the youngest two in the playroom:

And so here I am, back at the house feeling so unaccomplished. I feel like I'm barely surviving. So when you think that you can't do it, just remember, it's not all rose petals and daisies. Some days I think that I can't do it either. I'm sure no matter what your life consists of, you too have days where you think that you just can't go on.

Oh look! While I was busy creating this post, something did get accomplished. My son finished his glider!

It's things like this that helps me get through these tough days! It's these little things that are so huge to me and bring me so much joy. Thank you to my oldest son for working hard on your own to accomplish what needs to be done. 

Be blessed my friends!

JUST WALK AWAY

I've decided to start blogging more about my homeschool journey. Too often, I see other mothers who are ready to throw in the towel after having a bad day (or many bad days). 

I want these moms to know:

A. They are not alone.

B. There will be bad days, but it happens to all of us.

C. It doesn't have to stay bad.

This is our 8th year of homeschooling. That's so hard to believe. In no way do I consider myself an expert, but I do hope that I can help and encourage newer homeschoolers by sharing my journey with them.

Most of the moms who are having a difficult time are mothers with small children in the house. As you can see by this picture, I too have a small child and he is into EVERYTHING! He's very demanding and he's very much a momma's boy. One thing I do have working in my advantage though, is a teenage son who helps me out a lot.
(I will share with you in a later post just how we manage our homeschool.)

Even though I have my oldest son's help, I still have MANY days where I feel swallowed up by homeschool. I forget about the positive reasons for homeschooling and I just want to run away. The picture above was taken yesterday. It was one of those days where I felt very overwhelmed. So I got my youngest two dressed and went for a walk. The walk was mostly for me, but it was really good for them too. By the time I made it around the block, the baby was asleep. Thank God he stayed asleep when we got home! I put him in his crib and he took a 2 hour nap. 

Sometimes we just need to step away from the situation and get a change of scenery. This goes for many situations in life, not just homeschool. So the next time you feel like you just can't take anymore, get out of the house. Take in some fresh air. Talk to God. Love on your kids and thank God for them. Until next time...

Be blessed my friends!

I AM NOT PERFECT, BUT THAT'S OKAY

Already FIVE whole days have gone by since my last post! I just don't understand how to make the time to write. Currently my husband is holding our baby; the child who won't let us put him down lately without screaming and crying and throwing himself backwards on the floor. He is dealing with a bug bite on his ankle that made his ankle and foot swell up pretty big and turn a reddish-purple color. He's also dealing with teething and bowel problems. And aside from all of that, he's definitely a momma's boy. I usually don't mind. I love cuddling with him. But too often, I just can't. I have two other boys who need my attention and help with school work. Not to mention housework and other responsibilities. Still, I try holding him as often as I can because I know that these days are passing by so quickly and soon enough he won't want to be held. 

A pic from a better school day!

Today felt like a complete fail, besides the fact that we finished all of our homeschool work (even if it was around 7:30 in the evening). 

Here's just a bit of how the day went: 

We got a late start, I changed TEN poopy diapers, all 3 boys were acting up in one way or another, I never got my shower or even got to wipe yesterday's makeup off of my face. I'm still sitting here in my pajamas at 9:30 in the evening. I had a major headache and felt tired most of the day. I'm sad to admit that I raised my voice much more than I should have. I'm really working on trying to be a gentle parent. Today was definitely a challenge for me in that area!

On days like today I really need God to speak to me in a loud, clear voice because it's just too noisy to hear His whispers. I am a perfectionist. I'm not perfect, but I expect things to be great. I hold myself to very high expectations. I've struggled in comparing myself to the Proverbs 31 woman and today I felt very far from being that woman I strive to be! Thankfully, as I sat down eating dinner, I read something that really stood out to me. What I read today was this, "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God." Jesus said this in Matthew 5:8. Thank God that He didn't say, "Blessed are the perfect." Instead, blessed are those who seek after His heart and desire to make good choices. Blessed are those who walk with Him and try to apply His Word to their daily lives.

God knows my heart! He knows that He means the world to me. He knows that I strive to be the best mother and wife that I can be. He knows my deep desires to be a gentle, patient mommy to my boys. He knows that even on days like today, when I didn't make the time to study my Bible, that I still love Him and want to walk in His ways. Sometimes we just need to remind ourselves that we are not perfect! But we are pure in heart! That's all that matters! Jesus was the only perfect one and where we fall short, He fills in the gaps and offers His grace and mercy.

I'm so glad that His mercies are new every morning. All I can do is to try to not expect perfection and continue to draw near to Him. I'm looking forward to a new start tomorrow.

Be blessed my friends!

WRITING

God has convicted me yet again about my writing. Most of the time I feel like I'm just writing for myself. It's something that I really enjoy doing, when I can find the time. My time lately has been taken up by homeschooling, taking care of the house, making sure bills are paid, and chasing after the baby. He's in to everything these days! 

But God keeps whispering to me that my writing really isn't just for me. Someone out there needs to hear what I say. They need the encouragement. They need to know that they are not alone. So here again I find myself at the computer, asking God what it is that He wants me to write. 

I've been studying Proverbs this entire month and ironically our preacher been preaching on Proverbs too. I love it when God does stuff like that! I've learned a lot and will probably do the Proverbs study again next month, but be more diligent in sharing my thoughts with you. That is, unless God takes me in a new direction with my writing. I've also been reading through the old testament and I'm currently in the book of 1 Kings.

I'm a tenderhearted person who has gone through a lot of changes in my life. I wear my heart on my sleeve, so you'll probably see more about my personal struggles. I hope that when I share my heart, you won't judge me. I'm human just like you and I will share my heart in hopes of helping others.

So, until next time (hopefully in the very near future)......

Be blessed my friends!

TAKING TIME OUT TO LOVE ON THEM IS OKAY

See this cute face!

           Ever have days where you think, "They're lucky they're so cute."?

                       Today has been one of those days. This poor thing has had constipation issues all day and of course it was my very first day homeschooling both of my other boys with no one to help me with him. It went worse than I had expected.  :(   But in the midst of it all, I calmed down and just took the time out that this little guy needed to be loved on. I've held him so much today that my back and arms hurt. But I can't get these moments back. I hate him feeling so miserable, but I love that he wants his mommy. He knows that I love him and will do whatever I can to comfort him. I love just holding him and rubbing my hand through his soft, messy hair. I love staring into his big, beautiful blue eyes; those eyes that look to me for the answers. I just hold him and whisper that it's okay.

So my first full day of homeschool didn't go as planned, but my boys all know that when they really need me, I'll stop whatever I'm doing to be there for them. Sometimes we need to see the bigger picture. It's not always about checking things off of our list. Trust God with all the details, do your best, and let the rest go. Sometimes you just have to remember to breathe. But God will get us through all the ups and downs in life. Here's hoping for a more productive tomorrow. But if it's another day spent holding my baby, that will be okay too.

Be blessed my friends!