FIRE IGNITED

Tonight I finished reading "make me a Legend: For The Dream of a Better Tomorrow" by Chuck Balsamo. Yay! I finished an entire book! That's a huge accomplishment for a mother of 4 who finds it hard to focus on anything longer than a few seconds. I started out reading this book because I've been on this quest for significance in my life. Too many times the title "Mother" just doesn't seem as spectacular as I hoped that it would. I finished this book with the understanding that I am not just a mother, I will be a legend to them, and hopefully many others. There's been this very small flame inside my soul for way too long. Maybe I wouldn't even call it a flame. Have you ever stood over the stove while you were fixing dinner, just so you could warm up a bit? Sadly, that's how powerful my "flame" has been for at least a couple of years. Looking at my spiritual life now with a new set of eyes makes me want to cry. How pathetic have I been! I'll get over it quickly though because I'm excited about the new spark that has hit my soul.

With prayer and faith, I will no longer worry about what others think of me. I will be the best me that I can be and if they don't like it, well, that's their loss. I have come to a point where I'm so tired of wasting my time, energies, and resources on those who could honestly care less about me. There was a chapter in this book about getting connected with the right people. I've struggled so much with wanting to please everyone and be friends with everyone. Tonight I'm feeling better about moving on without those who no longer belong in my circle, and refocusing my energies on those who truly care. Also, I wrote down a quote from the book that I will be meditating on (replaced with the word I), "This is where I overcome my fear of people - godless people, faithless people, and intimidating, self-righteous people." I have been holding so much back, out of fear of what others might think of me. So many things that I wanted to say, and should've said, but didn't. I held my tongue as to not offend someone, while at the same time I was swallowing down words that would've defended my Savior. No more! My eternal soul and your eternal soul matter more to me now. I will preach the gospel and spread His truth with the world. I let go of my fears. Oh so many fears!

I want to cry tonight, but the tears just won't come. Perhaps because I know how hard it will be to stop them from flowing. As I look back over the last few years, I've somehow, ever so slowly, drifted so far away from Jesus compared to where I was. My husband and I had stopped praying together. I can't even remember the last time we prayed together as a family. How embarrassing to admit this to you. I stopped writing. I stopped singing. I stopped serving. How on earth did this happen? Well, I know how it happened. It's exactly how Satan had planned it to happen many years ago. But I have news for him! I'm running back to Jesus and His arms are open wide. I feel His embrace surrounding me now. Angels are rejoicing! Look! There is a flame now, where once there was only the feeling of heat.

Perhaps the drifting away all began when I started out on the quest for more significance. I started searching in other places. I started envying other's lives instead of being content with the wonderful life that God has blessed me with. I wanted more for MY life. Perhaps if I started out asking God what more I could do for HIM, then I wouldn't have gotten so off track.

Tonight I will sleep peacefully knowing that I am making a difference in my boy's lives. We will get back to praying together. We will get back to consistent church services and I won't just be a bystander. I will set the example for my boys. I will make the sacrifices and be a servant for God's kingdom. I trust God to use me in ways that I never imagined. I will get back to writing (starting with this very post). I will finish a book someday. I will use all of the hurt and heartache that I've endured to encourage others and to help bring them out of bondage. I am tired of playing it safe! God has so much more for us and I've gotten in the way. It's like He stepped aside for these few years and said, "OK, have it your way." He was always there with me. When I was searching for more, He had His arms around me, trying to show me that He is the more. He's all I ever needed. When I went through painful trials, He tried to reach out and rescue me, but I wouldn't listen. I prayed to Him, but I couldn't hear Him through all the distractions that Satan had created in my life.

I believe that the turning point (a major shift) for me came when Chuck Balsamo wrote in his book to ask God to point out anything in my life that may be holding me back. Whew! I had to stop and take a close look a that. I prayed about it and then as I continued to read the book, God showed me more. I'm going to share my list with you as a bold step of faith. I feel in my heart that this list may resonate with you. It won't all be the same, but maybe very similar. I'm listing these in order that they came to my mind. See how it starts out looking like pretty minor issues, but then God pointed out deeper issues in my heart.

1. Cookie Jam Oh how embarrassed I am to admit this. In case you didn't know, this is a game that I play on my tablet. I'm on level one thousand and something. I've been playing it for less than a year. I've wasted so much time just spacing out and playing this game, when I could've been using that time to draw closer to the Lord. There are so many better uses of my time. 
2. FaceBook Raise your hand if you're with me on this one. Scroll, scroll, scroll...Wow! How did I just sit here for half an hour looking into everyone else's lives? Meanwhile I'm feeling sorry for myself and feeling like an inadequate mother and wife because Super Mom just posted again about her glorious world that she lives in. 
3. Anger (deep breath) This is so hard for me to admit. I'm so ashamed to bring it to the surface and share it with you. But I know I'm not alone. I've been working on this for years. I know this has gotten in the way of God moving in my life. Tonight I surrender all anger over to Him. I know I will still have outburst, but I also know that He is alive and working in me. All things are possible and this is one of the mountains that I expect to be moved so God has a straighter path to my heart.
4. Bitterness This issue came about during some hurt that I've experienced in the last few years. It's a newer feeling that I hate to carry around. I've tried to let go, but it rises back up and rears it's ugly head at me from time to time. What I've learned is that there is no trying harder here. I've tried, and tried, and tried. What needs to happen is God's transformation in my heart and I believe that I'm on the doorstep of this happening. 
5. Other's Opinions of me This! This has been a major setback for me in SO many areas of my life. Chuck mentioned in his book that unlike Jesus, we seem to need our world to like us, enjoy us, approve of us, and celebrate us! Did you catch that? Unlike Jesus! We were put on this earth to please our Heavenly Father and to model His example. His opinion should be the only one that truly matters! I'm sharing all of this with you right now because I know that I am doing the work of my Father, so it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. This is a HUGE step for me!
6. Fear Fear has held me captive for way too long! Fear of bees, tornadoes, something happening to me, something happening to our children or my husband, fear of going broke, starving, fear of letting people down, fear of what others think, fear that I'm not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough. The list goes on and on and on. Why? God's word tells us that worry won't change anything. And this brings me to the last thing that God put on my heart.
7. Lack of Trust in God Tonight God showed me that all of my fears are due to a lack of trust in Him. Wow! The one who created the entire universe and keeps it all functioning every single day. The one who made me and you. There's no reason to not give Him my whole heart and fully trust Him. I know He wants to give me complete peace and rest that's only found in Him. All I have to do is let Him!

Tonight I saw myself as the woman in this skit. With each character that tries luring her away from Jesus, I pictured all of these issues that I just mentioned that have been holding me back from Him. Thank God that I didn't go down many of these terrible paths. But I can't help but wonder what would've happened if I didn't stop long enough to listen to that still, small voice inside of me. That voice that was pulling me back to Him. He was the voice!

I'm so sorry God! Help me to trust You more! Break theses heavy chains that have had me bound so tightly. Fan the flame and make it grow! Give me more opportunities to share Your love with others and help me to be bold. Help me and my family to be Your hands and feet. Help us to bring thousands of others to You. Break the chains that bind Your people. Break the mold off of their eyes and make them pause long enough to see how much Satan has been distracting them and slowly making them drift away from You. Help Your people to rise up again. Give them back their backbone and their voices! Draw them out of the dark places and light their souls on fire so that they will be the light to others. In Jesus name I pray! Amen!

LIFE IS A GIFT, LIVE IT

Me on my special day (wearing clothes
bought with my birthday money)!

Today is a special day to me. It's my birthday. I've not always considered this a special day. Once I even threatened my husband that if he did anything for me for my birthday, I'd be so mad at him. I didn't want to be older. Back then, I didn't like the fact that I was entering my 30's. I wanted to stay in my 20's forever! Over the years I have dealt with so many bouts of depression (usually from hormonal changes that sometimes come with having a baby). I thought I hated myself and my life. I've also had to deal with anxiety, just as recently as this past March. But you know what? I've had enough! After this last battle with anxiety (and it really is a battle because you have to fight with every tool that God gives you) I vowed that this year would be my greatest year yet! I even wrote down a countdown to this day and started marking the days off, looking forward to it with great expectation. I will no longer allow those demons of depression and anxiety to have control over my life. I created a summer bucket list to make sure that my family is spending fun, quality time together. No more wasteful summers! I have also started taking steps to ensure a healthier future for myself. The biggest thing I've done is give up pop. I haven't had any pop since March and I know that has helped me lose weight and I have way fewer headaches than I use to. I also walk almost every night that I get the chance. I'll do my part and let God handle the rest. 

Some unfortunate events in my life have led me to a new perspective on life. Sometimes that's what it takes to wake us up and snap us out of our pitiful life so we can see the beauty of life that God created for us.

My mom's story is one of those things that was a true game changer for me. She has been through so much this past year. It has broken my heart to know the pain that she's had to endure. She had unexplained, debilitating pain in her body for months. Doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong with her. She was also repeating herself quite frequently. I was wondering if she had Alzheimer's or something. I'd listen to her tell me an entire story and then five minutes later, repeat it just as she did at the beginning of our conversation. Then one day, she went to the bathroom and she couldn't stand back up. She just lost the functionality of her legs. She had also fallen prior to this, but I guess no one realized how big of a deal it was. When my dad took her to the hospital, they found a mass in her head. Eventually she had the mass removed and we found out that it was the size of a tennis ball. Can you imagine? Every time I see my kids playing with a tennis ball now, I think about what my mom came through. Thankfully, it wasn't cancer. But even so, this was enough to jerk me out of my pity party and realize that life is a gift. We don't know what tomorrow holds.My mom's surgery went great, but since then, she's been dealing with blood clots. I know she's going to get through this! She's a woman of strength and she's setting such a good example for me and my kids. 

My grandmother, Dad, Me, and my mom
(and my brother and my youngest son in the background)

Another way that God has used my mom, is in my dad's life. Years ago, I was prophesied to by a man that I respect and I believe the words he's spoken over me and my family. He told me that my entire family will be healed and they will be saved, but I must leave it to God. I cannot save them. Wow, turns out that he was right! The night before my mom's surgery, my dad took my mom and my grandmother to revival at my grandma's church, and that night, my dad gave his life to the Lord. When I got this wonderful news, I was beyond amazed and excited over what God had done. I felt like this was a huge gift from God to me. Because honestly, if my dad had died before this night, I wasn't sure what would happen to his soul. Now I thank God almost daily for saving my dad because I can live with absolute peace that he will spend eternity with Jesus! 

About a week ago, my grandmother fell and broke her hip. She's had a rough road since the surgery, but I also have peace about this because God told me that it's not her time to go yet. She's going to come through this. I had the privilege to speak with her today and tell her all that God shared with me. Through her pain, God is using her as a witness to bring the rest of her family to Christ. I reminded her that they are still watching her and she needs to stay strong and continue fighting the good fight.

Another thing that I just can't ignore is what is going on in America and in our world. Again today, there were more deliberate police officer shootings. I want to cower back in fear, stay home, and keep my kids safe. But I know that isn't the answer. I know that just allows Satan to have victory. What I will do instead is to pray for peace and for God to have mercy on all of us. I will pray for the victims and their families. I will pray for the people who have caused the tragedies, and their families too. And I will go out, and I will live my life to the fullest. Because in the end, God already knows when my final day will be. Nothing I do will change that. But until then, I will chose joy, forgiveness, and love. I will chose to be thankful for this life that I've been so blessed to have. And I will continue sharing my stories, hoping that at least one person will be encouraged. Keep fighting the good fight my friends. You never know how your fight or your simple acts of kindness will change someone else's life. It might just impact their life beyond their walk on this earth!

Be blessed my friends!

EXCHANGE FEAR FOR FAITH

Once again I'm exploring what life would be like if I exchanged my fears for faith. How would I feel and how could it change my life? Why does fear have so much control over my life? I'm not talking about rational fears, like those that would keep me from running out in front of a car, but rather, the fears of following God and trusting Him wherever He may lead me. I know that He wants to free me from the chains of fear that have kept me bound. I know that He doesn't want me to always be stressing over what I should be doing with my life and worry about being good enough. He wants me to throw perfection out the window and just trust Him! This life was meant to live!

Here are some ways my life would change if I could just let go of the fears:

• I would go outside more during the summer and enjoy being with my kids. They would also have more sports opportunities. You see, I'm severely allergic to bees, so I spend most of my summer stuck inside the house. I'm absolutely terrified of bees. And while yes, they technically could kill me, I know that I need to trust God completely with my life. He's kept me safe from the bees for almost 24 years, why would He stop now?
• I would get on airplanes and take more trips to discover more of this beautiful earth God created.
• My kids would feel safer because they wouldn't be constantly feeding off of my own fears. 
• I would go to church more. Ouch! Yes, it's true, the fear of my kids getting sick from being around a ton of other children, often keeps me away during the winter time. This is a hard fear to manage, since we are currently dealing with almost 3 weeks of sickness, and I'm pretty sure it came from the last Sunday we were all at church. I feel so much guilt over this one. I know it's completely not what God would want.
• I would not allow my nerves to control me when we have a severe weather forecast.
• I would sleep better at night, instead of worrying about my children. Sometimes I just lay there and wonder if they are breathing okay since I haven't heard any noise on the monitor. This has been a long term fear of mine that goes back to when my cousin's baby died of SIDS, almost 18 years ago.
• I would sing again (in front of others)
• I might even start my own business again.
• I would let my house go a little bit more and not worry about what others would think. This would give me more precious time with my kids.
• I would finish that book I started writing years ago!

What about you? How would your life change if you could start letting your faith take over, instead of being controlled by fear? I would love to hear your thoughts!

Be blessed my friends!

OVERCOMING THE STORMS

This was the view from my back porch almost exactly 4 years ago to the day. I believe we were under a tornado watch and I had been freaking out over the weather for several days prior to it even becoming bad. This looks like a tornado, but it's actually a wall cloud (the front line of the storm). I remember this day very vividly because it was just like every other time that we were expecting bad weather. Days before the storm, while it was still beautiful outside, I would constantly look up the forecasts and make myself sick over the possibilities. To say that I was afraid of storms would be a huge understatement. It paralyzed me. For days on end I couldn't eat much. I would make several trips to the bathroom because my nerves took over. I literally made myself sick. It was embarrassing. I know most people wouldn't understand. I couldn't even understand.

I prayed constantly. I cried out to God to take this fear away. I knew that worrying was a sin and I so desperately wanted to be delivered from it. I would constantly repeat my favorite Bible verse, 2 Timothy 1:7, "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind."  What I didn't realize at the time is that even though I still felt overcome with fear, God was working in my life. Each storm that came my way was getting easier and easier for me to handle.

Fast forward to today. I'm home alone with the kids and we have a tornado watch. We've had torrential rain and lots of lightening and thunder. An amazing thing has happened. I didn't run to my neighbor's house. This is something I usually do because I have always felt safer just being around other people. But that's not even the most amazing part. The best part is that I had peace; the kind of peace that the Bible talks about in Philippians 4:7, "and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

I write this post to encourage others who are dealing with fear of any sort. Whether you are dealing with fear of bad weather or other storms that life brings, I pray that you will experience the peace that I have found through Christ. Yes, it took many years, but I have such victory and you can too! Keep on leaning on God. Say 2 Timothy 1:7 out loud over and over until it resonates in your soul. Don't give up! If you need prayer, it would be an honor to pray for you. Just message me in the comments or at BibleMomma99@gmail.com.

Be blessed my friends!