LIFE IS A GIFT, LIVE IT

Me on my special day (wearing clothes
bought with my birthday money)!

Today is a special day to me. It's my birthday. I've not always considered this a special day. Once I even threatened my husband that if he did anything for me for my birthday, I'd be so mad at him. I didn't want to be older. Back then, I didn't like the fact that I was entering my 30's. I wanted to stay in my 20's forever! Over the years I have dealt with so many bouts of depression (usually from hormonal changes that sometimes come with having a baby). I thought I hated myself and my life. I've also had to deal with anxiety, just as recently as this past March. But you know what? I've had enough! After this last battle with anxiety (and it really is a battle because you have to fight with every tool that God gives you) I vowed that this year would be my greatest year yet! I even wrote down a countdown to this day and started marking the days off, looking forward to it with great expectation. I will no longer allow those demons of depression and anxiety to have control over my life. I created a summer bucket list to make sure that my family is spending fun, quality time together. No more wasteful summers! I have also started taking steps to ensure a healthier future for myself. The biggest thing I've done is give up pop. I haven't had any pop since March and I know that has helped me lose weight and I have way fewer headaches than I use to. I also walk almost every night that I get the chance. I'll do my part and let God handle the rest. 

Some unfortunate events in my life have led me to a new perspective on life. Sometimes that's what it takes to wake us up and snap us out of our pitiful life so we can see the beauty of life that God created for us.

My mom's story is one of those things that was a true game changer for me. She has been through so much this past year. It has broken my heart to know the pain that she's had to endure. She had unexplained, debilitating pain in her body for months. Doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong with her. She was also repeating herself quite frequently. I was wondering if she had Alzheimer's or something. I'd listen to her tell me an entire story and then five minutes later, repeat it just as she did at the beginning of our conversation. Then one day, she went to the bathroom and she couldn't stand back up. She just lost the functionality of her legs. She had also fallen prior to this, but I guess no one realized how big of a deal it was. When my dad took her to the hospital, they found a mass in her head. Eventually she had the mass removed and we found out that it was the size of a tennis ball. Can you imagine? Every time I see my kids playing with a tennis ball now, I think about what my mom came through. Thankfully, it wasn't cancer. But even so, this was enough to jerk me out of my pity party and realize that life is a gift. We don't know what tomorrow holds.My mom's surgery went great, but since then, she's been dealing with blood clots. I know she's going to get through this! She's a woman of strength and she's setting such a good example for me and my kids. 

My grandmother, Dad, Me, and my mom
(and my brother and my youngest son in the background)

Another way that God has used my mom, is in my dad's life. Years ago, I was prophesied to by a man that I respect and I believe the words he's spoken over me and my family. He told me that my entire family will be healed and they will be saved, but I must leave it to God. I cannot save them. Wow, turns out that he was right! The night before my mom's surgery, my dad took my mom and my grandmother to revival at my grandma's church, and that night, my dad gave his life to the Lord. When I got this wonderful news, I was beyond amazed and excited over what God had done. I felt like this was a huge gift from God to me. Because honestly, if my dad had died before this night, I wasn't sure what would happen to his soul. Now I thank God almost daily for saving my dad because I can live with absolute peace that he will spend eternity with Jesus! 

About a week ago, my grandmother fell and broke her hip. She's had a rough road since the surgery, but I also have peace about this because God told me that it's not her time to go yet. She's going to come through this. I had the privilege to speak with her today and tell her all that God shared with me. Through her pain, God is using her as a witness to bring the rest of her family to Christ. I reminded her that they are still watching her and she needs to stay strong and continue fighting the good fight.

Another thing that I just can't ignore is what is going on in America and in our world. Again today, there were more deliberate police officer shootings. I want to cower back in fear, stay home, and keep my kids safe. But I know that isn't the answer. I know that just allows Satan to have victory. What I will do instead is to pray for peace and for God to have mercy on all of us. I will pray for the victims and their families. I will pray for the people who have caused the tragedies, and their families too. And I will go out, and I will live my life to the fullest. Because in the end, God already knows when my final day will be. Nothing I do will change that. But until then, I will chose joy, forgiveness, and love. I will chose to be thankful for this life that I've been so blessed to have. And I will continue sharing my stories, hoping that at least one person will be encouraged. Keep fighting the good fight my friends. You never know how your fight or your simple acts of kindness will change someone else's life. It might just impact their life beyond their walk on this earth!

Be blessed my friends!

From My Heart (Continued)

One day shy of 20 weeks with baby # 4

Well, it's been almost 2 weeks since my last post so I thought I'd give you an update. I'm doing much better, but still have a little ways to go. Time really does help heal a lot of things. I'm still in denial that I'm actually having a 4th boy. I look at my ultrasound picture a lot and I question it. I've even shared it with others who also question it. It has 3 lines (which is what you hear all the time when it's a girl), just the middle line is out a bit further than the other 2. Someone in my mom's group on Facebook shared a picture of their "It's a girl" ultrasound and I swear, my ultrasound picture looks a lot like that one. I go back on in 2 weeks for another ultrasound because of my age. This is one time I'm actually glad I'm a bit older. I'll get a second look at the baby and hopefully they'll have a better look at the private areas and ease any confusion that I still have.

Until then, I'm just trying to convince myself that it is a boy. I'm trying to bring myself to buy something for him, but I just can't get excited over anything. I mean, have you seen the baby girl clothes? They are ridiculously cute and they are everywhere! Try finding something that is cute for a boy. I mean, really cute. The options really stink! I think I'm going to have to go to a boutique store and spend a lot of money on one item just to make myself feel better.

The support from my friends and family have been a tremendous help in my healing process. I told them that I didn't want any comments (and I really thought I didn't), but I honestly don't know where I'd be right now if they hadn't reached out to me in the only ways they knew how. I'm very blessed and grateful for people who don't give up on me when I'm down. They are always there to lift me back up. They might not have had the right words, but they tried and that speaks mountains to my heart.

Moving on! No more posts about gender dissapointment because deep down I know that I will love this baby no matter what the gender is. I love my 3 sons with all of my heart. My heart aches just thinking of when they will be grown and leave me. Sadly, that may not be too far off for my oldest. They are each such a blessing to my life. They have changed me inside and out. I'm still working on making myself a better person, because I want to be the best for them.

God has really been speaking to me about writing more. It's my outlet and I believe it's a gift from Him. It's a gift that He wants me to share with others. So, I plan to write more often (I know, you've heard this before). He wants me to be an encourager to others because there are too many people in this world who don't have a great support system like I do. So stay tuned for some encouraging, uplifting messages (along with other tidbits of my life).

Be blessed my friends!

I AM NOT PERFECT, BUT THAT'S OKAY

Already FIVE whole days have gone by since my last post! I just don't understand how to make the time to write. Currently my husband is holding our baby; the child who won't let us put him down lately without screaming and crying and throwing himself backwards on the floor. He is dealing with a bug bite on his ankle that made his ankle and foot swell up pretty big and turn a reddish-purple color. He's also dealing with teething and bowel problems. And aside from all of that, he's definitely a momma's boy. I usually don't mind. I love cuddling with him. But too often, I just can't. I have two other boys who need my attention and help with school work. Not to mention housework and other responsibilities. Still, I try holding him as often as I can because I know that these days are passing by so quickly and soon enough he won't want to be held. 

A pic from a better school day!

Today felt like a complete fail, besides the fact that we finished all of our homeschool work (even if it was around 7:30 in the evening). 

Here's just a bit of how the day went: 

We got a late start, I changed TEN poopy diapers, all 3 boys were acting up in one way or another, I never got my shower or even got to wipe yesterday's makeup off of my face. I'm still sitting here in my pajamas at 9:30 in the evening. I had a major headache and felt tired most of the day. I'm sad to admit that I raised my voice much more than I should have. I'm really working on trying to be a gentle parent. Today was definitely a challenge for me in that area!

On days like today I really need God to speak to me in a loud, clear voice because it's just too noisy to hear His whispers. I am a perfectionist. I'm not perfect, but I expect things to be great. I hold myself to very high expectations. I've struggled in comparing myself to the Proverbs 31 woman and today I felt very far from being that woman I strive to be! Thankfully, as I sat down eating dinner, I read something that really stood out to me. What I read today was this, "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God." Jesus said this in Matthew 5:8. Thank God that He didn't say, "Blessed are the perfect." Instead, blessed are those who seek after His heart and desire to make good choices. Blessed are those who walk with Him and try to apply His Word to their daily lives.

God knows my heart! He knows that He means the world to me. He knows that I strive to be the best mother and wife that I can be. He knows my deep desires to be a gentle, patient mommy to my boys. He knows that even on days like today, when I didn't make the time to study my Bible, that I still love Him and want to walk in His ways. Sometimes we just need to remind ourselves that we are not perfect! But we are pure in heart! That's all that matters! Jesus was the only perfect one and where we fall short, He fills in the gaps and offers His grace and mercy.

I'm so glad that His mercies are new every morning. All I can do is to try to not expect perfection and continue to draw near to Him. I'm looking forward to a new start tomorrow.

Be blessed my friends!

TAKING TIME OUT TO LOVE ON THEM IS OKAY

See this cute face!

           Ever have days where you think, "They're lucky they're so cute."?

                       Today has been one of those days. This poor thing has had constipation issues all day and of course it was my very first day homeschooling both of my other boys with no one to help me with him. It went worse than I had expected.  :(   But in the midst of it all, I calmed down and just took the time out that this little guy needed to be loved on. I've held him so much today that my back and arms hurt. But I can't get these moments back. I hate him feeling so miserable, but I love that he wants his mommy. He knows that I love him and will do whatever I can to comfort him. I love just holding him and rubbing my hand through his soft, messy hair. I love staring into his big, beautiful blue eyes; those eyes that look to me for the answers. I just hold him and whisper that it's okay.

So my first full day of homeschool didn't go as planned, but my boys all know that when they really need me, I'll stop whatever I'm doing to be there for them. Sometimes we need to see the bigger picture. It's not always about checking things off of our list. Trust God with all the details, do your best, and let the rest go. Sometimes you just have to remember to breathe. But God will get us through all the ups and downs in life. Here's hoping for a more productive tomorrow. But if it's another day spent holding my baby, that will be okay too.

Be blessed my friends! 

Growth

A couple of weeks ago my boys and I planted some monster watermelon and pumpkin seeds. We weren't sure if they would grow or not because the seeds were bought about 2 years ago and have been sitting dormant since then. To see my original post, click HERE.

The boys have been taking very good care of their plants by giving them water every day, taking them outside for sunshine and bringing them back inside when there was a chance for bad weather. This is the result of their tender care:

In just 2 weeks, God took something that remained dormant for years and gave it new life! All it took was someone caring for it. 

This got me thinking about life in general. Have you felt like you've been in a rut? A funk? You just can't escape? I pray that God will send you the right person to show you His tender loving care. Sometimes we need another person to just love on us; to remind us that God hasn't forgotten us. Take comfort in knowing that it doesn't matter how long you have been going in the wrong direction, He can change your life instantly! Let me know how I can pray for you today!

Be blessed my friends!

THE WEIGHT HAS BEEN LIFTED, THE FOG HAS CLEARED

I feel like God has heard my cries and He's reaching down and wiping away my tears and setting me back up on my feet. I haven't taken any medicine for about 4 days and I'm doing fine. Whew! I will keep doing fine. 

So what has changed?

The biggest thing that I believe is making the greatest impact is that I'm trying so hard to stay off of social media. Even though I still go there once or twice a day, I'm not wasting hours of my life, obsessed with what everyone else is doing and then feeling inadequate about myself because I'm not doing all the things they are. 

I've realized that I am ME! There is no other me. God has called me to be a mom and to homeschool my kids. I am extremely blessed with 3 beautiful, healthy boys. I may not parent the way other people do, but I know that I am making a kingdom impact in my kids. I need to be healthy in order to be able to be here for them.

I've stopped watching as much television as I was. This too can have such a negative effect on our lives; even shows we watch with good intentions. I was watching at least 3 episodes a day of 19 and counting. This is a family with over 19 children and they all homeschool and seem like such sweet, wonderful people. Not only was this show taking time away from my own children, but once again I found began to compare myself to them. I am NOT Michelle Duggar! lol  I'm just not and I never will be. If I talk in such a sweet tone, I'm just being a fake person. Not that I talk rudely, but I'm just not soft spoken.

I've also began to read more. I'm reading wonderful books on topics like postpartum depression, being successful at being me, and finding God's purpose for my life. These books have been so helpful.

Lastly, I've reached out to more people. If the first set of people I reached out to didn't seem to be helpful, well, maybe they just didn't know how to respond. We invited some friends over yesterday and we had such a wonderful time. We all need to make more time to build the relationships that are important to us.

I hope opening up about depression has been helpful to someone. If so, please let me know in the comments.

Be blessed my friends!

POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION

I'm struggling. I'm completely broken. My heart is so heavy. I feel like a monster. I ask for prayers and then take it personally when no one calls to check on me. Tears flood my face. Loneliness settles back into my soul. I try to get out to be around people, but I find myself in a crowded place, feeling so alone and unloved. Anger rises up from somewhere deep within. I had done so well at keeping it buried for so long. I WANT MY LIFE BACK! I feel like no one understands, but I know that so many others are going through the same thing. I swore I'd never take pills for depression again. But here I am. It's either that or watching the horror on my kid's faces as I scream at them. It's not me! Mommy is so sorry! Inadequacy...doubt...fear...so many emotions that I know are the work of the enemy, so why can't I just praise my way through this? 

I turn on worship music. There's a million things screaming for my attention. I try to focus on God. I try to sing. I screw up the words and Satan screams in my face that I'm such a failure. Those words come out of my own mouth and for a few moments I believe it's the truth. I fall so easily for his lies. GOD, GET ME OUT OF THIS MESS! I don't want medication God, I want You to help me.

Teaching the kids, taking care of the baby, squeezing in some time to try to take care of myself...laundry, dirty floors, table full of stuff that shouldn't be there (but always is)...making meals, basketball practice, homeschool group....dirty diapers, spit up, crying, sleepless nights...bills, grading papers, 3 kids who always seem to need my attention at the same time (at the worst possible time)...pure exhaustion! Add this depression to the mix and here is what my life has felt like lately...FOG. Really thick fog! I can't see where I'm at, let alone where I'm going. I just keep putting my hands out, feeling around for my Bible. Screaming out to God. "Can You even hear me?"  I feel so alone!

"Bible Momma"  Oh the guilt that I feel every time I log in to my blog site. I've purposely skipped church, just to avoid all the happy people. Writing is a form of therapy for me and I'm usually a very transparent person. I don't care if you get to know the real me. I'm a REAL person. I have issues. So do you! You will either love me for who I am, flaws and all, or you won't like me. That's really your choice, because I love just about everyone. I want to be everyone's friend and when I'm not dealing with stupid issues like this, I think I'm pretty easy to get along with. This postpartum depression just hit me like a ton of bricks, just like it did with my last child. I don't understand why I'm going through this again, but I do know that God has a plan. I do know that I'll get through it, just like I did before. I know He loves me! And I know He loves you! 

I ask for forgiveness from all my friends and family who I've pushed away. I never meant to hurt you or our relationship. I ask that you do some research on postpartum depression to better understand what I'm going through if you aren't familiar with it. I'm trying SO hard to do everything I can to just be me again. This is a real sickness. But, I know God is doing a work in me. I know He's healing me. "By His stripes I was healed". I will stand on that. And when I fail, I will always go back to that. Because I know God and I know who my enemy is. I will NOT let the enemy win! I have fought this battle before and I know that I am victorious.

DEPRESSION ~ My Story (The Short Version)

 

 I have battled depression off and on for most of my life. It began as a teenager because of growing up with an alcoholic father and brothers who mistreated me. My mom and my brothers took the brunt of my father's abuse, and I hid and listened to the arguments and fighting. I overcame depression in my late teens when my dad quit drinking and my parents reconciled their marriage, only to battle it again in my early twenties. At just twenty years old, I became a single mom. Working full-time, going to school full-time, and taking care of a baby on my own really took a toll on me. 

I found the love of my life when my son was six years old. He took so much pressure off of me. He loved me and my son unconditionally. It was hard for me to return love in the same way that he gave it because of the way other men had treated me. I thought my husband was just being so great to me so he could get what he wanted; but he's never been that kind of man. After a couple of years of marriage, we had a son together and for the first time in my life, I experienced postpartum depression. I feel like this was the worst kind of depression that I've ever dealt with. It just came out of nowhere and I battled with wondering how I could be so depressed when God had given me such a beautiful gift. I felt so much guilt. I looked at the baby with resentment. I had feelings that I couldn't understand. I tried going on medication, but they put me on something that I was allergic to and I got violently ill. I decided then that I wouldn't go on medication again. 

Fast forward a couple of years down the road and depression came back. I was lonely and felt isolated, but instead of seeking out friendships, I isolated myself from the few friends I did have. The depression got so bad that I started picturing myself telling my boys goodbye, kissing them goodnight, and then getting in the car late at night while everyone was sleeping, and driving off the road on purpose. I believe that God intervened by giving me an ailment that I thought was brain cancer or a stroke or something else that would be terrible. I suddenly started seeing each day as a gift and realized that I really didn't want to die. It took me two years before God healed me of this thing. Doctors never figured out what it was, but I knew in my heart that it was placed there to bring me back to reality.

Depression does occasionally try to creep back into my life, but I recognize it much more quickly than I use to. I realize right away that Satan is attacking me. I seek God quickly to restore me back to a completely healthy mind. 

Stay tuned for more posts on depression. I want to discuss ways of overcoming depression and what to do (and what not to do) when your friend or family member is dealing with depression.  

Be blessed my friends!