LIFE IS A GIFT, LIVE IT

Me on my special day (wearing clothes
bought with my birthday money)!

Today is a special day to me. It's my birthday. I've not always considered this a special day. Once I even threatened my husband that if he did anything for me for my birthday, I'd be so mad at him. I didn't want to be older. Back then, I didn't like the fact that I was entering my 30's. I wanted to stay in my 20's forever! Over the years I have dealt with so many bouts of depression (usually from hormonal changes that sometimes come with having a baby). I thought I hated myself and my life. I've also had to deal with anxiety, just as recently as this past March. But you know what? I've had enough! After this last battle with anxiety (and it really is a battle because you have to fight with every tool that God gives you) I vowed that this year would be my greatest year yet! I even wrote down a countdown to this day and started marking the days off, looking forward to it with great expectation. I will no longer allow those demons of depression and anxiety to have control over my life. I created a summer bucket list to make sure that my family is spending fun, quality time together. No more wasteful summers! I have also started taking steps to ensure a healthier future for myself. The biggest thing I've done is give up pop. I haven't had any pop since March and I know that has helped me lose weight and I have way fewer headaches than I use to. I also walk almost every night that I get the chance. I'll do my part and let God handle the rest. 

Some unfortunate events in my life have led me to a new perspective on life. Sometimes that's what it takes to wake us up and snap us out of our pitiful life so we can see the beauty of life that God created for us.

My mom's story is one of those things that was a true game changer for me. She has been through so much this past year. It has broken my heart to know the pain that she's had to endure. She had unexplained, debilitating pain in her body for months. Doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong with her. She was also repeating herself quite frequently. I was wondering if she had Alzheimer's or something. I'd listen to her tell me an entire story and then five minutes later, repeat it just as she did at the beginning of our conversation. Then one day, she went to the bathroom and she couldn't stand back up. She just lost the functionality of her legs. She had also fallen prior to this, but I guess no one realized how big of a deal it was. When my dad took her to the hospital, they found a mass in her head. Eventually she had the mass removed and we found out that it was the size of a tennis ball. Can you imagine? Every time I see my kids playing with a tennis ball now, I think about what my mom came through. Thankfully, it wasn't cancer. But even so, this was enough to jerk me out of my pity party and realize that life is a gift. We don't know what tomorrow holds.My mom's surgery went great, but since then, she's been dealing with blood clots. I know she's going to get through this! She's a woman of strength and she's setting such a good example for me and my kids. 

My grandmother, Dad, Me, and my mom
(and my brother and my youngest son in the background)

Another way that God has used my mom, is in my dad's life. Years ago, I was prophesied to by a man that I respect and I believe the words he's spoken over me and my family. He told me that my entire family will be healed and they will be saved, but I must leave it to God. I cannot save them. Wow, turns out that he was right! The night before my mom's surgery, my dad took my mom and my grandmother to revival at my grandma's church, and that night, my dad gave his life to the Lord. When I got this wonderful news, I was beyond amazed and excited over what God had done. I felt like this was a huge gift from God to me. Because honestly, if my dad had died before this night, I wasn't sure what would happen to his soul. Now I thank God almost daily for saving my dad because I can live with absolute peace that he will spend eternity with Jesus! 

About a week ago, my grandmother fell and broke her hip. She's had a rough road since the surgery, but I also have peace about this because God told me that it's not her time to go yet. She's going to come through this. I had the privilege to speak with her today and tell her all that God shared with me. Through her pain, God is using her as a witness to bring the rest of her family to Christ. I reminded her that they are still watching her and she needs to stay strong and continue fighting the good fight.

Another thing that I just can't ignore is what is going on in America and in our world. Again today, there were more deliberate police officer shootings. I want to cower back in fear, stay home, and keep my kids safe. But I know that isn't the answer. I know that just allows Satan to have victory. What I will do instead is to pray for peace and for God to have mercy on all of us. I will pray for the victims and their families. I will pray for the people who have caused the tragedies, and their families too. And I will go out, and I will live my life to the fullest. Because in the end, God already knows when my final day will be. Nothing I do will change that. But until then, I will chose joy, forgiveness, and love. I will chose to be thankful for this life that I've been so blessed to have. And I will continue sharing my stories, hoping that at least one person will be encouraged. Keep fighting the good fight my friends. You never know how your fight or your simple acts of kindness will change someone else's life. It might just impact their life beyond their walk on this earth!

Be blessed my friends!

Where I've Been

My life has been so crazy. I'm sure many of you can relate. I want to write more, but I can never seem to make the time. I'm currently typing as fast as I can, waiting on the timer on the oven to go off so I can serve my kids pizza for a late lunch. What's the latest with me? Well, my health hasn't been the best lately. Perhaps that's because when my kids got sick a couple of months ago, I fell out of my Zumba routine and practically stopped exercising altogether.

By not ever putting myself first, I guess the stress finally caught up with me. I started having stabbing headaches in my left temple a few weeks ago. They would be like a quick stab, stab, stab and then they'd stop. But then I was left with a normal tension-like headache. The headaches would come and go about every other day for about a week. This started really concerning me because my mom was recently diagnosed with a mass between her brain and her skull. I guess when I added this anxiety to the worries and stress I face everyday, it all became too much for my body to handle. I woke up in the middle of the night and my heart was racing really fast and I felt hot and sick. This happened again the next night, only my body started shaking uncontrollably.

I got in to see my doctor. She ran an EKG and thankfully, it was fine. She ordered blood work and that showed that I was low on magnesium, so I started taking supplements. It's amazing what all a deficiency in magnesium can cause. Every one of my symptoms, even that headaches, can be caused by magnesium deficiency. I seemed to be getting better, but then suddenly took a turn for the worse. I couldn't stop shaking no matter how hard I tried and my heart was racing way too fast. I tried so hard to focus on God's Word and meditate on the scriptures and listen to praise and worship music. I tried deep breathing techniques, massage oil for stress, and hot showers. But by last Tuesday night, nothing was working. I ended up going to the ER. They ran another EKG which also came back fine. After talking with the doctors, they were convinced that this was all from anxiety.

I still sit here in disbelief that my body failed me like that. I'm slowly on the road to recovery. I'm trying to make some time for myself. Today I went to the chiropractor and got a massage and an adjustment. I hate leaving the kids with my 16 year old, but sometimes it's what I have to do to keep myself sane. Tomorrow I am following up with my doctor. I'm not sure what else she can say. I've stopped taking all of the anxiety medicines that she and the hospital put me on. Then on Wednesday I'm going to talk to a counselor at church. I'm also going to try to write on here more often. I just need outlets to get it all out.

Being a mom of four boys, homeschooling, paying the bills, and trying to keep up with the house (all while trying to keep God first in my life), is just so much to take on. I don't know how others do it so gracefully. I know God was trying to get me to slow down, but unless He almost takes me out like last week, then it just seems nearly impossible to slow down. And I feel like my life runs at a much slower pace than most of the people I know. Most of my friends have schedules that keep them so busy, that they don't have time for face-to-face relationships. It really breaks my heart. We need to put down our devices and start spending more quality time with each other.

Well, now you know where I've been. I have to go cut that pizza for my kids. I'll be back as soon as I can.

Be blessed my friends!

MY JOURNEY TO A VBA2C

It's almost been 2 years since I have last given birth. Up until now I just accepted the way things went. I was exhausted and hungry and the baby's heart rate started to decelerate so my doctor suggested a c-section in order to avoid another emergency c-section.

The only picture of me and baby just after the c-section.

Now here I am just a couple of months away from giving birth again and I'm thinking about the way I am hopeful that birth will go. I have been educating myself for over 7 months because I want to try to deliver vaginally after having had 2 c-sections. Because of all the reading and researching I have done, I now realize that a c-section most likely could've been avoided the last time, had I educated myself more then. Almost 2 years later and I sit here fuming over my last birth experience. No, I didn't need a c-section! I needed food! And I needed to move off of that hospital bed. I didn't even think about it then, but looking back I remember that I didn't move from that bed once I was I was admitted, except to go to the restroom. I'm also upset because for my last two births, I missed my baby's first bath. While everyone else was oohing and aahing at my little boys and taking pictures, I was in the recovery room. I'm grateful for those pictures, but so sad that I missed that special moment. Now that I'm writing about this, I'm even more upset because I can't find a picture of my baby's first bath. Apparently they are on someone else's camera.

Things WILL be different this time. I am doing everything I can to have a natural childbirth experience. And even if something happened and I needed another c-section, I will NOT miss my baby's first bath! I will make sure they are clear on that. Of course if there is a medical reason that the baby needs cleaned up right away, I will understand that.

Here are some of the things I am doing to have a better birth experience this time around:

PRAYER ~ The most important thing I have done is praying specific prayers for this pregnancy and birth. My prayers started before conception and it is amazing to watch what all God has already done for me. I recommend writing your prayers down so you can go back over them later and see the work God has done.

EDUCATION ~ I have been reading and researching for over 7 months. I have joined several VBAC (Vaginal birth after cesarean) groups, cesarean groups, ICAN, and other pregnancy groups on social media. A couple of great books I have read are "Ina May's Guide to Childbirth", and "Supernatural Childbirth". I am currently watching "The Business of Being Born" series.

CHIROPRACTIC CARE ~ This week I will begin working with a chiropractor. I've heard a lot of women's stories about how going to the chiropractor relieved certain prenatal symptoms like leg and hip pain. I am particularly interested because I have read about how they can help align everything properly, which in turn can help speed up delivery by helping the baby pass through the birth canal easier than if you hadn't been adjusted.

EXERCISE ~ I am SO happy that the weather is finally warming up where I live! I now get out and walk every chance I get. It sure wears me out, but I know I'm doing a great thing for my body and for this baby. I believe that staying active will help me achieve a better birth experience.

HYDRATION ~ I have a history of preterm labor. I also have a history of major leg cramps during pregnancy. I suddenly realize now with my 4th pregnancy that both of these things were most likely linked to dehydration. I try to drink water throughout my day and I do my best to avoid pop. My new rule with pop is that I will only drink it when I go out to eat. No pop in the house! This has really helped me drink more water. So far I've had no leg cramps and no signs of preterm labor. Praise God!

HIRE A DOULA ~ I feel blessed that I have met a doula who seems very compatible for me. My favorite thing about her so far is that we are like-minded spiritually. She is a Christian just like me and she's not afraid to profess it. I am looking forward to her reminding me of God's love for me during labor. This is my 1st experience with a doula, but from all of my research and reading people's stories, not once have I heard anyone say that they regret paying for a doula.

LABOR AT HOME LONGER ~ Here's where I feel that I really missed the mark with the birth of my last son. I know that I went to the hospital too early. Even though I had been contracting all through the night, they weren't really painful. I probably could've just drank more water and tried to relax more. Then maybe I could've walked and moved around more at home before going in. I guess I was just so exhausted and ready for it to be over with, that I thought going to the hospital would speed things along and I could find relief. I'm sure it sped things along, but not in the way I was thinking. I don't know what I was thinking actually. But once we were admitted to the hospital, I was put on their time clock and before I knew it, one intervention led to another, which eventually ended with my 2nd c-section.

EAT, DRINK, AND RELAX ~ Another huge mistake I made before going to the hospital the last time, was going in completely exhausted and on an empty stomach. Now, I'm not suggesting a huge meal before going in, but I definitely will put something healthy in my belly before arriving at the hospital. I'm also sneaking in a small protein snack of some sort. I refuse to try to labor while feeling completely starved. I know there are risks of aspiration if a c-section becomes necessary, but I'm going with my gut on this one and I choose to eat! I will also try to relax as much as possible while I'm still at home. I was just way too anxious for the baby to be here the last time.

THIS IS MY BIRTH EXPERIENCE ~ Above everything else, I have learned that I have a right to say NO. I hired my doctors. They work for me! I can't believe it has taken me this long to realize that I have a voice and I need to use it. I feel so much more educated this time around and it's not just because this is my 4th pregnancy. I have learned so much because I so desperately desire a better birth experience this time around. Even if things do end up with another c-section, I will know in my heart that I did everything that I possibly could do to prevent it, and I think that is what will finally give me the peace that I need.

Now, don't get me wrong, I don't tell the doctors no to everything. I have agreed to be monitored, but I will not labor in bed for hours upon hours like I did with the last child. I will move around beside the bed and bounce on a ball if I feel like it. I have also agreed to have an IV in place, but nothing will be running through it unless a c-section becomes necessary.

The only picture of have of me in labor. That's the bed I stayed in until I was
taken down the hallway for the c-section.

Some examples of what I have said NO to this time around:

Pap Smear ~ I don't know exactly why I turned this down because I have had a pap smear with all 3 of my previous pregnancies and all of my babies were fine. For some reason, I just didn't have peace about it this time. When I don't have peace, I feel like that is God's way of telling me to be careful. My doctor agreed to wait until my 6 week postpartum check up to do the pap smear.

Screening Tests for Genetic Abnormalities ~ Because of my age, this is something that some doctors would try to push. The risks for diseases such as Down's syndrome and other chromosome abnormalities increases as the mother ages. I turned down the screening because I knew in my heart that even if my baby had any kind of defect, I would love it just the same. There is no way I would abort my child, even if my own life were at risk. Although knowing ahead of time that something were wrong could help me better prepare, I still thought it would be best to just turn down those tests and put it all in God's hands.

3 hour glucose test ~ I failed the 1 hour test, but knew in my heart that I would pass the 3 hour test, however, I wasn't willing to put myself (and the baby) through the hours of fasting and blood work because the 1 hour test made me so ill. As a compromise, I agreed to monitor my sugar at home for 2 weeks. It turned out that my numbers were so great that I didn't need to continue monitoring after the first week. See, I knew it!

I have yet to write my birth plan, so I'm sure there will be other things I will be saying NO to. I plan to have the baby room in with me as much as possible. We will be delaying cord clamping and eye drops. I'm not really sure what else I will include yet. Just taking one day at a time. I will be writing that out in the next week or so and I will share it with you. Until then...

Be blessed my friends!

Over the Half Way Mark

This picture was taken last week on Valentine's Day. I was 23 and a half weeks pregnant. I felt so pretty and had a lot of positive comments from my friends about how young I looked. I'll take those compliments any day, but especially when I'm pregnant and feeling big! Now I am over 24 weeks. It's crazy how fast this pregnancy is going. Everything is going great! I've had great blood pressure and no complications. The Braxton Hicks contractions have started, but I've noticed that I can keep them minimal by drinking lots of water. I've had preterm labor with my other 3, but I'm praying it away this time. I also haven't had any leg cramps during this pregnancy, which was always one of my biggest fears. Those things are so painful! I drink a lot of water and take Magnesium every night right before bed. I also sleep with a heating pad on my legs. The only symptom that really bothers me this time around is fatigue. I'm just SO tired, all the time. I think it's because I'm still doing all the things I've always had to do, but this time around I'm also chasing a very demanding and messy toddler around the house. I love him to pieces, but his nap time is my saving grace! That's the only way I'm able to write this right now. Well, I just wanted to give everyone a pregnancy update. Can't wait to be holding our little guy in my arms. Thankfully I should be finished homeschooling for the year when he's born, so that will give us time to just focus on him and trying to establish a routine before we start school all over again. Until next time...

Be blessed my friends!

Summer Fun & Coppertone ClearlySheer Sunscreen

Summer is now in full swing. Yay! I'm so excited about that. This is our first year taking the summer off from homeschooling in about 5 years so I'm trying to fully enjoy it. We bought a pool pass for the local pool. They have a nice kids area, a water slide, a lazy river, a sprinkler playground and of course the rest of the pool area. This will be our main hangout on the really hot days.

Here's my hubby and my little man going down the lazy river!

I also send the kids outdoors as much as possible. One of our favorite things is the awesome trampoline we bought last year. Here's a picture of the big kids playing on the trampoline while the little ones used their grand imaginations with chairs.  :)

Since the kids are outside so much during summer, I was SO excited to be invited to this BzzCampain for Coppertone's ClearlySheer products. (To learn more about becoming a BzzAgent where you can receive free products to review like I do, click HERE.) I received several small samples of the Coppertone ClearlySheer Sunny Days, a couple of mini spray bottles of their Beach & Pool spray, a full sized sample of Sunny Days body lotion, and coupons to pass along to my friends. 

I was a fan of this sunscreen from the moment I first sprayed the Beach & Pool spray on my kids. It sprayed on so thin. It was a really light spray that goes on smooth and doesn't feel greasy. No complaints from them! I take skin protection very seriously (as you can tell by the shirts on my boys below) so it was also important that this sunscreen did what it was meant to do, and that is protect our skin. After trying out the various products that I received samples of, each of them proved to do their job. None of us ever got the slightest tint of redness on our skin.

Another great factor about Coppertone's ClearlySheer products is that it sells at a great price. If you are comparing sunscreen costs, just one look at all the different brands together, and you will find that Coppertone products are some of the least expensive ones. But don't let that discount the quality! 

I absolutely loved the Sunny Days body lotion. The scent is light and refreshing. Its moisturizing formulas go on so soft and smooth that you can wear it underneath your makeup. My teenage son is also very prone to acne. It has gotten to the point that we got a prescription from the doctor. He has it pretty much under control now and I'm very happy to report that the Coppertone ClearlySheer products did not make him break out. It has been clinically tested on acne-prone skin and it doesn't clog pores or cause breakouts! Our family was so happy with Coppertone's ClearlySheer products that we plan to switch from our regular brand. I can't say enough positive things about this awesome new product. You can purchase ClearlySheer products almost anywhere you find regular sunscreen. I was not paid to give you my opinion, however, I did receive the free samples that I mentioned. My opinions are always completely honest. If I don't like a product, I will definitely let you know so you don't waste your time or money on it. Thanks for stopping by. Have a great summer!

Be blessed my friends!

Silk Almondmilk Protein+Fiber Review

Our family got to try a free half gallon of Silk Almondmilk Protein+Fiber from Kroger because I am a BzzAgent. We first tried it out with the baby because he has been battling constipation issues and we thought it might have been related to dairy products. Almondmilk has 5 grams of fiber per serving, so we really hoped it would help his belly. Although he really seemed to like how it tasted, it didn't seem to have any effect on his digestive system. 

Next, I thought I'd try it out on our 5 year old son. He's a really picky child so I added chocolate powder to his Almondmilk. Check out this video for his reaction:

I think that if I wanted to make this a daily part of his routine, he would easily get use to it. Although his reaction seems bad, I know him well enough to know that this is something he could adjust to.

Next I asked my husband if he'd be brave enough to do an on-the-spot review. He graciously did this for me and here is his reaction:

I'll be honest, at first, I was just too afraid to try it. The texture seemed thick to me. I normally drink 1% milk, so it was a big change. I tried a drink when no one else was looking. To my surprise it really wasn't bad! It was a little thicker than I'm used to, but it had a slightly sweet taste that made it okay for me. If I had issues with dairy products, this drink would be my next preference. The price is comparable to other non-dairy types of milk and you can almost always find a good sale or a coupon; or even better, both!

I didn't think about it until all of the Almondmilk was gone, but I think it would've been a great addition to smoothies. I've also read other reviews where people used it for baking. What a great idea! 

Here are some awesome benefits from Silk Almondmilk Protein+Fiber:

• Packs 5g of protein, 5g of fiber and 100 calories or less per serving
• Provides 50% more calcium than dairy milk*
• May help keep you feeling full (increasing protein and fiber in your diet can help promote satiety!)
• Enjoy Silk^® Protein+Fiber Almondmilk anywhere you’d use your favorite milk — over cereal, in smoothies or straight up in a glass

*45% DV calcium versus 30% DV in dairy milk. USDA National Nutrient Database for Std. Ref, Release 26. Data consistent with typical 2% dairy milk.

If you have tried Almondmilk, let me know what you think about it! Do you just drink it as 

you would dairy milk? Or do you use it for smoothies, milkshakes, and baking?

Be blessed my friends!

An Eye Opener About Money

A lot has been going on in my world. The day before yesterday I ended up in the ER because my heart was constantly fluttering and I got light headed. After spending 2 hours in the waiting room and another 4 hours or so in a room, I finally got to come home. All of my tests came back normal. I had to wear a heart monitor for 24 hours and I don't have those results yet. The next day I got a really big bill from the IRS. Apparently I made a mistake on our 2012 taxes. I cried my eyes out. I'm thankful that we have the money in our savings to cover it and thankful that my husband treated me with kindness as I explained what happened. Until now we've been living kind of care free; going out to eat, giving money away, and spending money like we have it...because we did. I feel like the last couple of days were a huge wake up call. I feel like God slapped me in the face. As I was going through my 2012 papers, trying to figure out what had happened, I found an index card that I had written on. It said, "If therefore you are not faithful in the use of worldly wealth, who will entrust the true riches to you? Luke 16:11"  After reading this, I cried some more. We have always been givers and faithful tithers, but I feel like God told me right then and there that we have got to start taking money more seriously. We have to be diligent with it. We can still be givers and tithers (and we will), but we need to be faithful with the rest. Instead of blowing it all of the time on eating out and buying whatever our hearts desire, we need to budget and save money for the future. Although I'm really sad over the events that have happened over the last few days and the fact that our bank account has been drained, I am grateful that God has opened my eyes. What about you? Are you faithful with worldly wealth? If not, I pray that God will help you as you strive to be a better steward of the things He has blessed you with. I'm on this journey with you!

Be blessed my friends!

The Bump On My Baby's Head

About a month after our little man was born, we thought he had a mosquito bite on the side of his head. The bump appeared to be liquid-filled, swollen, and red. We didn't think much about it until a few weeks later when a bump reappeared in the same location. I knew that wasn't a coincidence and he couldn't have been bitten in the same spot again. I noticed that once the swelling went down, it looked almost like a tiny, grey birthmark. We mentioned it to our pediatrician and he told us to just keep an eye on it. As long as it didn't get larger, he thought it was nothing to be concerned about.

Month after month, the bump would come and go and it seemed like it was getting slightly larger with each episode. I started taking pictures of it when it was swollen so we could show the pediatrician at his next check up. I took him in around 11 months of age and showed the doctor one of the pictures. I could tell that he was concerned about it this time, now that he saw for himself just how large it can get, which is usually about the size of a quarter. He referred us to a dermatologist.

I had an appointment scheduled to see the dermatologist, but one morning it swelled up so big that it freaked me out. My heart sank. I thought that there was surely something serious going on and I couldn't wait another few weeks until his appointment. Here is a picture that I took that day:

I called the dermatologist in a panic. I had all these terrible thoughts racing through my head. I'm sure you could think of a few things too. I felt guilty for even having these thoughts as a Christian mom. I wanted so deeply to just trust Jesus. I prayed for my baby and I prayed for Him to give me peace. The dermatologist had me come in that day. I was so happy that I would probably finally get some answers. All the way there, I prayed over him and for God to calm my nerves.

Within about 30 seconds of seeing the doctor, she said, "I know exactly what this is. It's totally benign. You have nothing to worry about."  I shed a few tears of relief right there in her office. I thanked God (and I continued thanking Him many times after that). All the doctor had to do was scratch his head where the spot is. It immediately flared up and began to swell again. He has something called Mastocytoma. It's a benign skin tumor that usually occurs in childhood and clears up on its own. Under this bump, there are mast cells that produce histamine. When this area is irritated, it flares up. It doesn't cause him any pain or harm, it just itches.

I'm hoping that by posting this, it will help another momma out there who might have a child with the same symptoms and it will save her some uncertainty and the scary feelings I dealt with for 11 months. When I was trying to do my own research, I couldn't find anything that sounded like what was going on with our little man.

Be blessed my friends!

Mesothelioma Awareness

I was contacted by a woman named Heather who asked me to share her story on my blog to raise awareness about Mesothelioma, a disease that happens because of exposure to asbestos.  Asbestos is not banned in the US, yet it’s the only known cause of mesothelioma. Once diagnosed, most patients die within 2 years. Heather is one of the few survivors who openly share their story to spread awareness of the dangers caused by asbestos exposure. She was diagnosed at age 36, just 3 months after giving birth to her daughter. She has overcome the odds and has been a mesothelioma survivor for almost 8 years now. Please take just a few minutes out of your day to read her story.

 

You can read more about Heather and mesothelioma awareness by going to her blog. Just click HERE!

Be blessed my friends!

THE WEIGHT HAS BEEN LIFTED, THE FOG HAS CLEARED

I feel like God has heard my cries and He's reaching down and wiping away my tears and setting me back up on my feet. I haven't taken any medicine for about 4 days and I'm doing fine. Whew! I will keep doing fine. 

So what has changed?

The biggest thing that I believe is making the greatest impact is that I'm trying so hard to stay off of social media. Even though I still go there once or twice a day, I'm not wasting hours of my life, obsessed with what everyone else is doing and then feeling inadequate about myself because I'm not doing all the things they are. 

I've realized that I am ME! There is no other me. God has called me to be a mom and to homeschool my kids. I am extremely blessed with 3 beautiful, healthy boys. I may not parent the way other people do, but I know that I am making a kingdom impact in my kids. I need to be healthy in order to be able to be here for them.

I've stopped watching as much television as I was. This too can have such a negative effect on our lives; even shows we watch with good intentions. I was watching at least 3 episodes a day of 19 and counting. This is a family with over 19 children and they all homeschool and seem like such sweet, wonderful people. Not only was this show taking time away from my own children, but once again I found began to compare myself to them. I am NOT Michelle Duggar! lol  I'm just not and I never will be. If I talk in such a sweet tone, I'm just being a fake person. Not that I talk rudely, but I'm just not soft spoken.

I've also began to read more. I'm reading wonderful books on topics like postpartum depression, being successful at being me, and finding God's purpose for my life. These books have been so helpful.

Lastly, I've reached out to more people. If the first set of people I reached out to didn't seem to be helpful, well, maybe they just didn't know how to respond. We invited some friends over yesterday and we had such a wonderful time. We all need to make more time to build the relationships that are important to us.

I hope opening up about depression has been helpful to someone. If so, please let me know in the comments.

Be blessed my friends!

POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION

I'm struggling. I'm completely broken. My heart is so heavy. I feel like a monster. I ask for prayers and then take it personally when no one calls to check on me. Tears flood my face. Loneliness settles back into my soul. I try to get out to be around people, but I find myself in a crowded place, feeling so alone and unloved. Anger rises up from somewhere deep within. I had done so well at keeping it buried for so long. I WANT MY LIFE BACK! I feel like no one understands, but I know that so many others are going through the same thing. I swore I'd never take pills for depression again. But here I am. It's either that or watching the horror on my kid's faces as I scream at them. It's not me! Mommy is so sorry! Inadequacy...doubt...fear...so many emotions that I know are the work of the enemy, so why can't I just praise my way through this? 

I turn on worship music. There's a million things screaming for my attention. I try to focus on God. I try to sing. I screw up the words and Satan screams in my face that I'm such a failure. Those words come out of my own mouth and for a few moments I believe it's the truth. I fall so easily for his lies. GOD, GET ME OUT OF THIS MESS! I don't want medication God, I want You to help me.

Teaching the kids, taking care of the baby, squeezing in some time to try to take care of myself...laundry, dirty floors, table full of stuff that shouldn't be there (but always is)...making meals, basketball practice, homeschool group....dirty diapers, spit up, crying, sleepless nights...bills, grading papers, 3 kids who always seem to need my attention at the same time (at the worst possible time)...pure exhaustion! Add this depression to the mix and here is what my life has felt like lately...FOG. Really thick fog! I can't see where I'm at, let alone where I'm going. I just keep putting my hands out, feeling around for my Bible. Screaming out to God. "Can You even hear me?"  I feel so alone!

"Bible Momma"  Oh the guilt that I feel every time I log in to my blog site. I've purposely skipped church, just to avoid all the happy people. Writing is a form of therapy for me and I'm usually a very transparent person. I don't care if you get to know the real me. I'm a REAL person. I have issues. So do you! You will either love me for who I am, flaws and all, or you won't like me. That's really your choice, because I love just about everyone. I want to be everyone's friend and when I'm not dealing with stupid issues like this, I think I'm pretty easy to get along with. This postpartum depression just hit me like a ton of bricks, just like it did with my last child. I don't understand why I'm going through this again, but I do know that God has a plan. I do know that I'll get through it, just like I did before. I know He loves me! And I know He loves you! 

I ask for forgiveness from all my friends and family who I've pushed away. I never meant to hurt you or our relationship. I ask that you do some research on postpartum depression to better understand what I'm going through if you aren't familiar with it. I'm trying SO hard to do everything I can to just be me again. This is a real sickness. But, I know God is doing a work in me. I know He's healing me. "By His stripes I was healed". I will stand on that. And when I fail, I will always go back to that. Because I know God and I know who my enemy is. I will NOT let the enemy win! I have fought this battle before and I know that I am victorious.

DEPRESSION ~ My Story (The Short Version)

 

 I have battled depression off and on for most of my life. It began as a teenager because of growing up with an alcoholic father and brothers who mistreated me. My mom and my brothers took the brunt of my father's abuse, and I hid and listened to the arguments and fighting. I overcame depression in my late teens when my dad quit drinking and my parents reconciled their marriage, only to battle it again in my early twenties. At just twenty years old, I became a single mom. Working full-time, going to school full-time, and taking care of a baby on my own really took a toll on me. 

I found the love of my life when my son was six years old. He took so much pressure off of me. He loved me and my son unconditionally. It was hard for me to return love in the same way that he gave it because of the way other men had treated me. I thought my husband was just being so great to me so he could get what he wanted; but he's never been that kind of man. After a couple of years of marriage, we had a son together and for the first time in my life, I experienced postpartum depression. I feel like this was the worst kind of depression that I've ever dealt with. It just came out of nowhere and I battled with wondering how I could be so depressed when God had given me such a beautiful gift. I felt so much guilt. I looked at the baby with resentment. I had feelings that I couldn't understand. I tried going on medication, but they put me on something that I was allergic to and I got violently ill. I decided then that I wouldn't go on medication again. 

Fast forward a couple of years down the road and depression came back. I was lonely and felt isolated, but instead of seeking out friendships, I isolated myself from the few friends I did have. The depression got so bad that I started picturing myself telling my boys goodbye, kissing them goodnight, and then getting in the car late at night while everyone was sleeping, and driving off the road on purpose. I believe that God intervened by giving me an ailment that I thought was brain cancer or a stroke or something else that would be terrible. I suddenly started seeing each day as a gift and realized that I really didn't want to die. It took me two years before God healed me of this thing. Doctors never figured out what it was, but I knew in my heart that it was placed there to bring me back to reality.

Depression does occasionally try to creep back into my life, but I recognize it much more quickly than I use to. I realize right away that Satan is attacking me. I seek God quickly to restore me back to a completely healthy mind. 

Stay tuned for more posts on depression. I want to discuss ways of overcoming depression and what to do (and what not to do) when your friend or family member is dealing with depression.  

Be blessed my friends! 

HIVES AND BRAXTON HICKS

I'm a little disappointed that I haven't blogged in the past couple of days, but I guess I have decent reasons. The end of last week was pretty crazy. My son broke out in hives for 3 days straight and we couldn't figure out what was causing it. We still don't know, but he's been hives free for 2 days now. 

THE HIVES ------------------------------->

Then a couple of nights ago I began having Braxton Hicks contractions. I've never experienced this before; only the real things. With my other two boys I went to the hospital thinking that it was Braxton Hicks, but ended up getting shots to stop my labor because they were the real thing. I'm currently only 20 weeks, so it is way too soon for the real thing! So the other night I prayed, drank a lot of water, and went to sleep. I thank the Lord that the next day I only had a few contractions during the entire day. 

Be blessed my friends!

January 9th, 2013

How do good bloggers do it? My goal is to post just once a day, and I can barely make it! 

Today was great until our oldest son told us that he thought he had flea bites. That didn't seem right because it's winter here and we don't have fleas. When I told him to lift up his shirt, he had hives all over his body. This really freaked me out because on my 13th birthday (my son is 13 now), I was stung by a wasp and it almost killed me. My entire body was covered in hives, my eyes were completely swollen shut and my throat was beginning to close up on me. It was one of the scariest days of my life. So, looking at my 13 year old son with hives all over, it brought tears to my eyes. I prayed over him, had him take a shower and his dad went to the store to get some hydrocortizone cream. Now I just pray that we can all sleep peacefully tonight! 

Be blessed my friends!

A Very Special Blessing

Words cannot express how thankful I am that we made it to church this morning. Satan was doing everything in his power to keep us away. He knew what was waiting for us. It's not normally like us to skip church, but I'm just getting over being sick and I don't get to see my husband a lot. As I looked ahead at this week's schedule, I realized that I will be at the church today, Tuesday, Wednesday, Saturday, and twice on Sunday. It just exhausted me to think about, so I thought that today would be a great time to just stay home and have some family time.

Then I saw on facebook that our church would be taking communion today. I called my husband and said sorry, but we can't miss church now. We only partake in communion a few times a year at our church because we don't want it to just be some religious act. I'm sure making the decision to go really ticked the devil off. Even though I have been feeling better, I couldn't fall asleep last night because I couldn't stop coughing. It was sometime after 1am that I finally fell asleep. Needless to say, we woke up late and we left late. My attitude quickly went downhill when I realized that I had forgotten my phone and a couple of other things I wanted to bring with me. Then I realized that it was all a part of Satan's plan to keep me from going. I was so happy to finally be there. The Lord's presence was so overwhelming.

 

As we took communion the man who gave us our juice and cracker passed back by us and stooped down to tell my husband, "Jesus has a very special blessing for you". My eyes filled with tears. My husband has been feeling the spiritual battle taking place around him and I know how much he needed to hear that word. I know that God has so much in store for my family, but as we were walking out of the sanctuary, a man stopped my husband. He had noticed for a while that my husband has trouble controlling his neck. Although we don't like to give it a name, it is tourettes. But we know that because it has a name, it must bow down to the most mighty name of Jesus Christ. We have been believing for my husband's healing for a long time and we remain faithful to do whatever the Lord puts on our hearts, no matter how crazy it seems to us or the rest of the world.

The man who approached us was a chiropractor from the area. We knew his name, but we had never met him before. He told my husband that he's been wanting to talk to him for some time, but just couldn't leave this time without talking to him. He wanted him to come in and get treated because they have seen people in similar situations become healed through their work and of course with help from the Lord. We told them that we are not in a financial position right now to afford treatment and the man said, "Don't worry about it". Once again my eyes filled with tears. I am so thankful for people like this man who have a heart to reach out to people when they know they won't get a financial gain from it.

At the beginning of this year, our pastor looked at my husband and told him that THIS is his year. I knew in my heart that my husband would be healed this year. Here it is, December 9th, and although I had began to question when my husband would be healed, I still held on to hope that it would be this year! And now I am believing that the special blessing that Jesus has in store for my husband is his complete healing....THIS YEAR! I can't wait to see my husband giving his testimony!

Be blessed my friends!

Day 3 to a Healthier Me

I'm not missing my chocolate milk as much as I expected, but I really want some pop...and my refrigerator is loaded with it. My head is feeling better today. It's not completely back to normal, but I am trusting God to get me there. I asked God to give me a scripture to stand on regarding mine and my husband's healing and this is what I opened up to, "Most assuredly, I say to you, he who believes in Me, the works that I do he will do also; and greater works than these he will do, because I go to My Father. And whatever you ask in My name, that I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask anything in My name, I will do it." ~ John 14:12-14  I am standing on this scripture and asking God for mine and my husband's healing, in Jesus name. I know He is fully capable of restoring our health completely and because I asked, I am calling it done and I give Him all the glory!

Today I plan to start stretching, along with all the other steps I'm taking to better my health. I seem to carry all of my stress in my shoulders and neck, so I'm going to start stretching them out daily. I've also started using a special shampoo and conditioner from Garnier called Fall Fight. It's supposed to help me save up to 1500 strands of hair from falling out each month. Here's a video about it if you want to try it too. I'll let you know how it goes for me!

I also have kept my hair down for 3 days now. It takes a little extra time, but I'll do anything for my hair to grow back. I drank about 3 or 4 bottles of water yesterday and plan to increase that today. The thing I'm having the most trouble with is taking all my vitamins. At minimum, I need to take 4 different pills each day. I just don't do well with pills, and especially now that I'm not drinking my chocolate milk. I always started my day with the chocolate milk and it seemed to make the pills go down easier. Taking pills with water just leaves a yucky taste in my mouth.

Oh, I almost forgot! Since I'm drinking all that water and eating better, I lost a pound! I was so happy when I realized the number had gone down, instead of up in the direction it had been going. Yay! Be blessed my friends!

Day of Change

In the past several days I've become pretty concerned about my health. This stems back to 2010, when I started having some very bizarre symptoms that still remain a mystery. My symptoms would almost always start in the middle of the night. I would wake up with uncontrollable body shakes. My entire body would just shake, sort of like cold chill shakes, but worse. This usually lasted for several hours, sometimes up to 7 hours. Then the left side of my head would go numb and the numbness would creep down into the left side of my face. My left arm would tingle as if it were asleep. My husband and I would read the Bible and pray out loud almost the entire time my body would shake. The first time this happened to me, I thought I was having a heart attack or a stroke. I reluctantly went to the hospital...twice. The only thing they could find is that I was pretty dehydrated. I followed up with a neurologist, who set me up for an MRI. I didn't care for this doctor at all and when I realized that I was going to get an IV with dye in it and he neglected to tell me that part, I never got the MRI and I never went back to a doctor. Last June, I had a friend pray over me during one of these spells and I believe I was healed at that very moment. My body has not shook since then!

About a week ago, I noticed that I have put on about 10 pounds in the past 2 months. I also noticed that the left side of my head has had that numb feeling almost everyday. I try to ignore it. Well, yesterday when I looked in the mirror, it was a real wake up call to me. My hair was in a ponytail and as I looked at the left side, I could see a few lines that revealed my scalp. At that moment, I realized that the hair on my left side was thinner than on the right. I had my husband to look and feel my hair, and he agreed. I held back the tears. I will admit that the first thought I had was, "What if I have a brain tumor and it's preventing the growth of hair on that side?". Then I tried to convince myself that it would've shown up on the CT scan they did when I went to the hospital. The very moment we made this discovery, my husband put his hands on my head and prayed for me. It always comforts me when he prays for me. I know that illness does not come from the Lord, so I am not accepting this! I believe it is all stress related and that I need to make some major changes in my lifestyle.

Before noticing the hair loss, we were in the process of making out a grocery list. I told my husband that I have to make some serious changes. I can't afford not to. It was very overwhelming, but we managed to buy all healthy foods at the store.

Here are the biggest changes that I am making, and it all starts today:

More water ~ Since they found that I was dehydrated when this all began, I want to make sure that I don't allow that to happen again.
No more pop ~ This coincides with more water. Pop dehydrates you and prior to today, I have been drinking 1-2 a day.
B Vitamins to help my nervous system. I already take a prenatal for hair growth and calcium and vitamin D supplements.
Fish Oil ~ I've had trouble finding one of these that is safe for me to take because I'm severely allergic to seafood, but yesterday we found one (that's not a horse pill).
Eating a real breakfast ~ This is the hardest one for me because I have a habit of drinking chocolate milk, and calling it my breakfast. While it's not the worse thing in the world, it isn't very filling and I've read that chocolate can trigger migraines, so it makes me wonder. I plan to eat Honey Nut Cheerios, oats or pancakes for now. They are all quick and easy and I think they taste okay.
Less processed foods ~ Processed food can also trigger migraines and we all know they aren't good for you. Prior to today, my typical day would be loaded with processed foods. 
Keeping a list of stress relievers and working on it daily! ~ I'm keeping a running list of ideas that I come across that helps me relax and I'm going to try to implement them each day to try to shed some stress from my life. This includes things like taking a walk, a long bath (which I can't remember the last time I've done this), reading my Bible, calling a good friend, etc.
No more pony tails ~ I'm guilty of throwing my hair up in a pony tail about 6 days out of the week. This is going to be another major challenge for me, but I know that pony tails can lead to hair breakage. I'm going to try to go pigtail free for 3 months and see what happens.

So here's to a new day! If you have read this, I would appreciate your prayers and support. I know that Jesus will see me through. I just need to stay focused on Him and His promises to me. I know Satan is trying to throw me off track, but I'm not allowing it. Everything that he means to cause harm in my life will be turned around for God's glory. I can't wait to loose the weight that I've gained and come out more healthy than before! Today it all starts with a bowl of cheerios instead of a glass of chocolate milk. I can do this!

Garnier Fructis Triple Nutrition

I am a BzzAgent and I LOVE it! I get to try all kinds of cool products and coupons and all I have to do is share my honest opinion with the panel and other people. If you want to learn more about becoming a BzzAgent, just click HERE. The latest product that I got to test out was Garnier Fructis Triple Nutrition shampoo and conditioner.

Here is a picture of the kit that came in the mail:

As you can see, I got two full size bottles! I was SO excited. I have to admit that prior to this campaign, I was using generic shampoo and conditioner. We're trying to save money and I've found that the store brand isn't much different than the brand names. After trying Garnier Fructis, I might have just changed my mind. One of my favorite things about this product is the smell. It smells wonderful! It's like a green apple scent. Yummy! I also have to say that after just a couple of days, my hair was noticeably softer. I also noticed something that others might not notice, and that is the different shapes in the bottles. For people with my mom who have poor eyesight, I think it would be a great help to have the shampoo and conditioner bottles shaped differently. This way you can just feel the bottles instead of having to read which one is which.

I have very fine hair. I love that this product doesn't weigh my hair down, but you have to rinse very well after using the conditioner because it goes on pretty thick. The only negative I have is that after using the product for about a month, I feel like I need a change. This is a problem that I have yet to solved though. Because of my fine hair, I just have to change it up for a bit. Even though I'll change it for now, I do plan to come back to the triple nutrition. Maybe the BzzAgent sight will have something else for me to try that will solve this problem!  ;0)  I give Garnier Fructis Triple Nutrition 4 out of 5 stars!

Children's Claritin Review

I recently received Children's Claritin as a part of a BzzCampaign. (If you'd like to learn more about being a Bzz Agent like I am, just go to www.bzzagent.com). I was anxious to try this allergy medicine on my tween son because he's always sneezing and clearing his throat with this snorting sound that makes him sound like a pig.

Getting him to take the medicine was no different than any other liquid medication. He hated the taste...but that's normal for my son. I loved that this medicine was active for 24 hours, so it's not something you have to try to remember to give them every few hours or so. Initially, I didn't really feel like the Claritin was working. I had my son take it 3 straight days in a row. I still didn't feel like it had done much because he was still sneezing a lot. However, when he stopped taking the medicine, he sneezed  lot more and that pig sound that I must have forgotten about, had come back.

My husband started dealing with allergy issues, so he decided to take the adult dosage (which is the same for children ages 6+) of the Children's Claritin. He said that the flavor wasn't bad, however, he didn't notice much of a change in his allergy symptoms after taking the medicine a couple of days in a row.

Overall, I would give this medicine about a 3 out of 5. It seems to work okay, but not as well as I would've expected from a major brand name such as Claritin.