OUR LITTLE KIWI

Here are the latest ultrasound pics of our baby boy. He is in the

perfect position, perfect heart beat, weighs about 3lbs 11oz, and is

on track to weigh around 7 pounds.

That may look like a hand over his 

face, but it's actually his feet. It 

amazes me how flexible babies are 

in the womb.







The placenta has moved up and is no longer a concern and my 

previous scar area looks great. I met my doula and think she's a 

wonderful fit. Everything is falling into place and I give God all 

of the glory!

Be blessed my friends!

MY JOURNEY TO A VBA2C

It's almost been 2 years since I have last given birth. Up until now I just accepted the way things went. I was exhausted and hungry and the baby's heart rate started to decelerate so my doctor suggested a c-section in order to avoid another emergency c-section.

The only picture of me and baby just after the c-section.

Now here I am just a couple of months away from giving birth again and I'm thinking about the way I am hopeful that birth will go. I have been educating myself for over 7 months because I want to try to deliver vaginally after having had 2 c-sections. Because of all the reading and researching I have done, I now realize that a c-section most likely could've been avoided the last time, had I educated myself more then. Almost 2 years later and I sit here fuming over my last birth experience. No, I didn't need a c-section! I needed food! And I needed to move off of that hospital bed. I didn't even think about it then, but looking back I remember that I didn't move from that bed once I was I was admitted, except to go to the restroom. I'm also upset because for my last two births, I missed my baby's first bath. While everyone else was oohing and aahing at my little boys and taking pictures, I was in the recovery room. I'm grateful for those pictures, but so sad that I missed that special moment. Now that I'm writing about this, I'm even more upset because I can't find a picture of my baby's first bath. Apparently they are on someone else's camera.

Things WILL be different this time. I am doing everything I can to have a natural childbirth experience. And even if something happened and I needed another c-section, I will NOT miss my baby's first bath! I will make sure they are clear on that. Of course if there is a medical reason that the baby needs cleaned up right away, I will understand that.

Here are some of the things I am doing to have a better birth experience this time around:

PRAYER ~ The most important thing I have done is praying specific prayers for this pregnancy and birth. My prayers started before conception and it is amazing to watch what all God has already done for me. I recommend writing your prayers down so you can go back over them later and see the work God has done.

EDUCATION ~ I have been reading and researching for over 7 months. I have joined several VBAC (Vaginal birth after cesarean) groups, cesarean groups, ICAN, and other pregnancy groups on social media. A couple of great books I have read are "Ina May's Guide to Childbirth", and "Supernatural Childbirth". I am currently watching "The Business of Being Born" series.

CHIROPRACTIC CARE ~ This week I will begin working with a chiropractor. I've heard a lot of women's stories about how going to the chiropractor relieved certain prenatal symptoms like leg and hip pain. I am particularly interested because I have read about how they can help align everything properly, which in turn can help speed up delivery by helping the baby pass through the birth canal easier than if you hadn't been adjusted.

EXERCISE ~ I am SO happy that the weather is finally warming up where I live! I now get out and walk every chance I get. It sure wears me out, but I know I'm doing a great thing for my body and for this baby. I believe that staying active will help me achieve a better birth experience.

HYDRATION ~ I have a history of preterm labor. I also have a history of major leg cramps during pregnancy. I suddenly realize now with my 4th pregnancy that both of these things were most likely linked to dehydration. I try to drink water throughout my day and I do my best to avoid pop. My new rule with pop is that I will only drink it when I go out to eat. No pop in the house! This has really helped me drink more water. So far I've had no leg cramps and no signs of preterm labor. Praise God!

HIRE A DOULA ~ I feel blessed that I have met a doula who seems very compatible for me. My favorite thing about her so far is that we are like-minded spiritually. She is a Christian just like me and she's not afraid to profess it. I am looking forward to her reminding me of God's love for me during labor. This is my 1st experience with a doula, but from all of my research and reading people's stories, not once have I heard anyone say that they regret paying for a doula.

LABOR AT HOME LONGER ~ Here's where I feel that I really missed the mark with the birth of my last son. I know that I went to the hospital too early. Even though I had been contracting all through the night, they weren't really painful. I probably could've just drank more water and tried to relax more. Then maybe I could've walked and moved around more at home before going in. I guess I was just so exhausted and ready for it to be over with, that I thought going to the hospital would speed things along and I could find relief. I'm sure it sped things along, but not in the way I was thinking. I don't know what I was thinking actually. But once we were admitted to the hospital, I was put on their time clock and before I knew it, one intervention led to another, which eventually ended with my 2nd c-section.

EAT, DRINK, AND RELAX ~ Another huge mistake I made before going to the hospital the last time, was going in completely exhausted and on an empty stomach. Now, I'm not suggesting a huge meal before going in, but I definitely will put something healthy in my belly before arriving at the hospital. I'm also sneaking in a small protein snack of some sort. I refuse to try to labor while feeling completely starved. I know there are risks of aspiration if a c-section becomes necessary, but I'm going with my gut on this one and I choose to eat! I will also try to relax as much as possible while I'm still at home. I was just way too anxious for the baby to be here the last time.

THIS IS MY BIRTH EXPERIENCE ~ Above everything else, I have learned that I have a right to say NO. I hired my doctors. They work for me! I can't believe it has taken me this long to realize that I have a voice and I need to use it. I feel so much more educated this time around and it's not just because this is my 4th pregnancy. I have learned so much because I so desperately desire a better birth experience this time around. Even if things do end up with another c-section, I will know in my heart that I did everything that I possibly could do to prevent it, and I think that is what will finally give me the peace that I need.

Now, don't get me wrong, I don't tell the doctors no to everything. I have agreed to be monitored, but I will not labor in bed for hours upon hours like I did with the last child. I will move around beside the bed and bounce on a ball if I feel like it. I have also agreed to have an IV in place, but nothing will be running through it unless a c-section becomes necessary.

The only picture of have of me in labor. That's the bed I stayed in until I was
taken down the hallway for the c-section.

Some examples of what I have said NO to this time around:

Pap Smear ~ I don't know exactly why I turned this down because I have had a pap smear with all 3 of my previous pregnancies and all of my babies were fine. For some reason, I just didn't have peace about it this time. When I don't have peace, I feel like that is God's way of telling me to be careful. My doctor agreed to wait until my 6 week postpartum check up to do the pap smear.

Screening Tests for Genetic Abnormalities ~ Because of my age, this is something that some doctors would try to push. The risks for diseases such as Down's syndrome and other chromosome abnormalities increases as the mother ages. I turned down the screening because I knew in my heart that even if my baby had any kind of defect, I would love it just the same. There is no way I would abort my child, even if my own life were at risk. Although knowing ahead of time that something were wrong could help me better prepare, I still thought it would be best to just turn down those tests and put it all in God's hands.

3 hour glucose test ~ I failed the 1 hour test, but knew in my heart that I would pass the 3 hour test, however, I wasn't willing to put myself (and the baby) through the hours of fasting and blood work because the 1 hour test made me so ill. As a compromise, I agreed to monitor my sugar at home for 2 weeks. It turned out that my numbers were so great that I didn't need to continue monitoring after the first week. See, I knew it!

I have yet to write my birth plan, so I'm sure there will be other things I will be saying NO to. I plan to have the baby room in with me as much as possible. We will be delaying cord clamping and eye drops. I'm not really sure what else I will include yet. Just taking one day at a time. I will be writing that out in the next week or so and I will share it with you. Until then...

Be blessed my friends!

FROM MY HEART

Tuesday was our big day. We went to have an ultrasound on the baby. Everything went great. Well, almost everything. The placenta is close to my cervix, but there's still plenty of time for it to move up, so for now I'm going to try to remain positive about it. The doctor had to step out for a delivery so I asked the ultrasound tech a few questions about my Vba2C (vaginal birth after 2 cesareans). I left feeling discouraged because she told me that they won't let me go past 40 weeks. What in the world? 40 weeks is just an estimated due date! And from all of my research, I know that being induced can increase my risks of uterine rupture. She also said the baby can't be over a certain weight. Bull! I know of plenty of women who have had Vbacs with big babies. I'm just going to take her words as a grain of salt until I actually get a chance to talk to my doctor. I really hope his words are more encouraging to me. I am scheduled to go for another ultrasound next month because of my age. Yay! Way to make me feel old. They look for chromosomal disorders, down syndrome being the most common. So far though, everything looks great with the baby.

I had the technician find out the gender as we all closed our eyes. She wrote down what it was and put it in two separate envelopes; one for the cake maker for our reveal party, and one for us to verify later. Once we were home I just couldn't stop thinking about the gender. I started getting a strong feeling that it was another boy. I fought back tears just thinking about it. Don't get me wrong please. I love my boys with all of my heart, but I really had my heart set on this baby being a girl. Everything about this pregnancy is different. I was sure it was a girl. But what if I was wrong? I suddenly realized that if I wait until the party to find out, there's a 50/50 chance that it could be a boy. I realized that I would probably cry my eyes out in front of everyone and then have to leave the room. That would be so awkward and not the way I imagined our fun party to turn out.

I jokingly held up one of the envelopes towards the light (without anyone knowing). It was a brown envelope so I didn't expect to see anything...but I did. I was sure I saw the word BOY. I fought back tears hard. Once the kids had left the room I told my husband what had happened. I asked him if he'd be mad at me if I opened the envelope to make sure. He said he wouldn't. So I opened it. I was right. My heart just sank. I cried, and cried, and cried. I said things that I already regret. My head felt like it was going to explode. I ended up crying myself to sleep around 1:30 in the morning.

We cancelled the party. I felt like I was mourning the loss of something, and I was. I was mourning the loss of the dream of having my own daughter; my own little princess. I wanted so badly to buy pink things. I wanted a little girl to go shopping with. Someone to have my hair and nails done with; all these things that I missed out on with my own mother because she was such a hard worker. We never really had that mother/daughter relationship that I longed for. I really thought I could experience that with my own daughter, but I feel like I'll never have that chance now.

I don't want to share my news with anyone, but I'm sure that most who were going to come to the party have assumed the truth. I feel let down. I feel like I'm letting other people down. I know so many others who hoped that this would be our girl. I don't want to hear the comments. "At least it's healthy". "You're so blessed to be having 4 kids when so many moms can't even have 1". I get all of that, but I don't want to hear it. It's not helpful to me right now.

For now it's extremely hard for me to think of my pregnant friends who are finding out they are having girls. It's hard to think of all the people around me who have girls. Why couldn't I just have one? I feel like no one is really going to care much about this baby. If it were a girl, I would've had the gender reveal party and celebrated with friends and family. I would've had a baby shower. She wouldn't have had only hand-me-downs from her 3 older brothers. There will be no exciting picture to announce the gender on facebook. I'm finding it so hard to find any excitement in this whatsoever. I don't feel a connection with this baby. Even when I thought that it might be a girl I felt that way. I thought it was just because I don't feel this one moving as much. Now I just don't know. I don't want to buy anything for it. I don't want to come up with another G name. And then I feel extremely guilty for having these feelings that I can't seem to control.

Why can't I find it in me to celebrate and be happy over this wonderful blessing that God is trusting me with? Even when I hold my 1 year old and see that joy that he brings into my life, I still feel like a piece of my life is missing: my little girl that I'll probably never have. I'm very depressed. I'm just not myself. I'm finding it so hard to get back to my old self. I feel like I'm purposely isolating myself because I don't want anyone's pity and I don't want the opposite either. I just don't want to be around anyone. I guess I just need time to come to terms with this. I'm sure God has a reason for giving me 4 boys and I am grateful for their health. I'm sure I will love and connect with this baby in time. And that's just what I need...time.

Be blessed my friends!