I'm struggling. I'm completely broken. My heart is so heavy. I feel like a monster. I ask for prayers and then take it personally when no one calls to check on me. Tears flood my face. Loneliness settles back into my soul. I try to get out to be around people, but I find myself in a crowded place, feeling so alone and unloved. Anger rises up from somewhere deep within. I had done so well at keeping it buried for so long. I WANT MY LIFE BACK! I feel like no one understands, but I know that so many others are going through the same thing. I swore I'd never take pills for depression again. But here I am. It's either that or watching the horror on my kid's faces as I scream at them. It's not me! Mommy is so sorry! Inadequacy...doubt...fear...so many emotions that I know are the work of the enemy, so why can't I just praise my way through this?
I turn on worship music. There's a million things screaming for my attention. I try to focus on God. I try to sing. I screw up the words and Satan screams in my face that I'm such a failure. Those words come out of my own mouth and for a few moments I believe it's the truth. I fall so easily for his lies. GOD, GET ME OUT OF THIS MESS! I don't want medication God, I want You to help me.
Teaching the kids, taking care of the baby, squeezing in some time to try to take care of myself...laundry, dirty floors, table full of stuff that shouldn't be there (but always is)...making meals, basketball practice, homeschool group....dirty diapers, spit up, crying, sleepless nights...bills, grading papers, 3 kids who always seem to need my attention at the same time (at the worst possible time)...pure exhaustion! Add this depression to the mix and here is what my life has felt like lately...FOG. Really thick fog! I can't see where I'm at, let alone where I'm going. I just keep putting my hands out, feeling around for my Bible. Screaming out to God. "Can You even hear me?" I feel so alone!
"Bible Momma" Oh the guilt that I feel every time I log in to my blog site. I've purposely skipped church, just to avoid all the happy people. Writing is a form of therapy for me and I'm usually a very transparent person. I don't care if you get to know the real me. I'm a REAL person. I have issues. So do you! You will either love me for who I am, flaws and all, or you won't like me. That's really your choice, because I love just about everyone. I want to be everyone's friend and when I'm not dealing with stupid issues like this, I think I'm pretty easy to get along with. This postpartum depression just hit me like a ton of bricks, just like it did with my last child. I don't understand why I'm going through this again, but I do know that God has a plan. I do know that I'll get through it, just like I did before. I know He loves me! And I know He loves you!
I ask for forgiveness from all my friends and family who I've pushed away. I never meant to hurt you or our relationship. I ask that you do some research on postpartum depression to better understand what I'm going through if you aren't familiar with it. I'm trying SO hard to do everything I can to just be me again. This is a real sickness. But, I know God is doing a work in me. I know He's healing me. "By His stripes I was healed". I will stand on that. And when I fail, I will always go back to that. Because I know God and I know who my enemy is. I will NOT let the enemy win! I have fought this battle before and I know that I am victorious.