Tuesday, January 27, 2015

The Lion

This morning I had a very prophetic dream. I can barely remember any of the actual details of the dream, except that there was a lion with it's mouth open and I heard these words, "The lion's mouth is never shut". When I woke up, those words just kept running through my head. The lion's mouth is never shut. The lion's mouth is never shut. Then suddenly I felt within my spirit, something telling me that God is the lion, and His mouth is never shut because He is always looking out for me. He is always fighting the enemy off on my behalf. The Lion's mouth is never shut!

Wow! What a vision! I thought about this more and more. And I feel like God is just trying to remind us that no matter what things appear like, no matter how broken your life may seem, He is watching and waiting. His mouth is open wide and He is attacking the enemy without you even realizing it. He has saved you over and over. He has kept you from car wrecks and other bad situations that you didn't even see coming. You have no idea what almost happened. He's working in the background, when you think He has forgotten about you. So, as hard as it may seem, please try to focus on the unseen instead of what you see with your own eyes. Praise God for bringing you through all the storms that you've gone through. And praise Him for bringing you through the ones you knew nothing about!

Be blessed my friends!

Monday, January 26, 2015

From My Heart (Continued)

One day shy of 20 weeks with baby # 4
Well, it's been almost 2 weeks since my last post so I thought I'd give you an update. I'm doing much better, but still have a little ways to go. Time really does help heal a lot of things. I'm still in denial that I'm actually having a 4th boy. I look at my ultrasound picture a lot and I question it. I've even shared it with others who also question it. It has 3 lines (which is what you hear all the time when it's a girl), just the middle line is out a bit further than the other 2. Someone in my mom's group on Facebook shared a picture of their "It's a girl" ultrasound and I swear, my ultrasound picture looks a lot like that one. I go back on in 2 weeks for another ultrasound because of my age. This is one time I'm actually glad I'm a bit older. I'll get a second look at the baby and hopefully they'll have a better look at the private areas and ease any confusion that I still have.

Until then, I'm just trying to convince myself that it is a boy. I'm trying to bring myself to buy something for him, but I just can't get excited over anything. I mean, have you seen the baby girl clothes? They are ridiculously cute and they are everywhere! Try finding something that is cute for a boy. I mean, really cute. The options really stink! I think I'm going to have to go to a boutique store and spend a lot of money on one item just to make myself feel better.

The support from my friends and family have been a tremendous help in my healing process. I told them that I didn't want any comments (and I really thought I didn't), but I honestly don't know where I'd be right now if they hadn't reached out to me in the only ways they knew how. I'm very blessed and grateful for people who don't give up on me when I'm down. They are always there to lift me back up. They might not have had the right words, but they tried and that speaks mountains to my heart.

Moving on! No more posts about gender dissapointment because deep down I know that I will love this baby no matter what the gender is. I love my 3 sons with all of my heart. My heart aches just thinking of when they will be grown and leave me. Sadly, that may not be too far off for my oldest. They are each such a blessing to my life. They have changed me inside and out. I'm still working on making myself a better person, because I want to be the best for them.

God has really been speaking to me about writing more. It's my outlet and I believe it's a gift from Him. It's a gift that He wants me to share with others. So, I plan to write more often (I know, you've heard this before). He wants me to be an encourager to others because there are too many people in this world who don't have a great support system like I do. So stay tuned for some encouraging, uplifting messages (along with other tidbits of my life).

Be blessed my friends!

Wednesday, January 14, 2015


Tuesday was our big day. We went to have an ultrasound on the baby. Everything went great. Well, almost everything. The placenta is close to my cervix, but there's still plenty of time for it to move up, so for now I'm going to try to remain positive about it. The doctor had to step out for a delivery so I asked the ultrasound tech a few questions about my Vba2C (vaginal birth after 2 cesareans). I left feeling discouraged because she told me that they won't let me go past 40 weeks. What in the world? 40 weeks is just an estimated due date! And from all of my research, I know that being induced can increase my risks of uterine rupture. She also said the baby can't be over a certain weight. Bull! I know of plenty of women who have had Vbacs with big babies. I'm just going to take her words as a grain of salt until I actually get a chance to talk to my doctor. I really hope his words are more encouraging to me. I am scheduled to go for another ultrasound next month because of my age. Yay! Way to make me feel old. They look for chromosomal disorders, down syndrome being the most common. So far though, everything looks great with the baby.

I had the technician find out the gender as we all closed our eyes. She wrote down what it was and put it in two separate envelopes; one for the cake maker for our reveal party, and one for us to verify later. Once we were home I just couldn't stop thinking about the gender. I started getting a strong feeling that it was another boy. I fought back tears just thinking about it. Don't get me wrong please. I love my boys with all of my heart, but I really had my heart set on this baby being a girl. Everything about this pregnancy is different. I was sure it was a girl. But what if I was wrong? I suddenly realized that if I wait until the party to find out, there's a 50/50 chance that it could be a boy. I realized that I would probably cry my eyes out in front of everyone and then have to leave the room. That would be so awkward and not the way I imagined our fun party to turn out.

I jokingly held up one of the envelopes towards the light (without anyone knowing). It was a brown envelope so I didn't expect to see anything...but I did. I was sure I saw the word BOY. I fought back tears hard. Once the kids had left the room I told my husband what had happened. I asked him if he'd be mad at me if I opened the envelope to make sure. He said he wouldn't. So I opened it. I was right. My heart just sank. I cried, and cried, and cried. I said things that I already regret. My head felt like it was going to explode. I ended up crying myself to sleep around 1:30 in the morning.

We cancelled the party. I felt like I was mourning the loss of something, and I was. I was mourning the loss of the dream of having my own daughter; my own little princess. I wanted so badly to buy pink things. I wanted a little girl to go shopping with. Someone to have my hair and nails done with; all these things that I missed out on with my own mother because she was such a hard worker. We never really had that mother/daughter relationship that I longed for. I really thought I could experience that with my own daughter, but I feel like I'll never have that chance now.

I don't want to share my news with anyone, but I'm sure that most who were going to come to the party have assumed the truth. I feel let down. I feel like I'm letting other people down. I know so many others who hoped that this would be our girl. I don't want to hear the comments. "At least it's healthy". "You're so blessed to be having 4 kids when so many moms can't even have 1". I get all of that, but I don't want to hear it. It's not helpful to me right now.

For now it's extremely hard for me to think of my pregnant friends who are finding out they are having girls. It's hard to think of all the people around me who have girls. Why couldn't I just have one? I feel like no one is really going to care much about this baby. If it were a girl, I would've had the gender reveal party and celebrated with friends and family. I would've had a baby shower. She wouldn't have had only hand-me-downs from her 3 older brothers. There will be no exciting picture to announce the gender on facebook. I'm finding it so hard to find any excitement in this whatsoever. I don't feel a connection with this baby. Even when I thought that it might be a girl I felt that way. I thought it was just because I don't feel this one moving as much. Now I just don't know. I don't want to buy anything for it. I don't want to come up with another G name. And then I feel extremely guilty for having these feelings that I can't seem to control.

Why can't I find it in me to celebrate and be happy over this wonderful blessing that God is trusting me with? Even when I hold my 1 year old and see that joy that he brings into my life, I still feel like a piece of my life is missing: my little girl that I'll probably never have. I'm very depressed. I'm just not myself. I'm finding it so hard to get back to my old self. I feel like I'm purposely isolating myself because I don't want anyone's pity and I don't want the opposite either. I just don't want to be around anyone. I guess I just need time to come to terms with this. I'm sure God has a reason for giving me 4 boys and I am grateful for their health. I'm sure I will love and connect with this baby in time. And that's just what I need...time.

Be blessed my friends!

Saturday, January 10, 2015

Our Grinch Tradition

Each year the Grinch comes to our house after Santa does. He makes a mess of things and plays tricks on the boys. Here are some highlights of his trip this year:

The snowflakes were already there (the Grinch isn't that good). But he took the green streamers and made a mess with them. 

He also t-peed our tree with his green paper. And see that funky looking gift in front of the gate, next to the Santa gifts? Well, that was Mr. Grinch's gift to our middle child. That Grinch sure does a very sloppy wrapping job. The gift was a Grinch matching game.


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And here's something the Grinch does every year:

He uses our bathrooms! Our 6 year old remembered to look for this and he was so excited as he ran down the hall to check out the toilet. What a priceless, funny moment!

I guess he creates a self portrait of himself in the bathroom just in case we didn't notice what he left in the toilet! Haha

He turned the boy's milk green and made "Grinch Pudding". He also put eyeballs on a lot of the food and drinks in our refrigerator; see the egg cartoons. I really hope he washed his hands before he messed with this stuff!

My favorite thing of all that the Grinch did this year was something I would've just loved as a child.

Somehow he managed to sneak an entire room full of balloons into G2's room while he was sleeping. What a site that was! The balloons not only covered his entire floor, but were piling up on top of each other. There was also a small, blue tree with candy canes and ornaments in his room, but we aren't sure if that was from the Grinch or Santa. This was a year that this little boy will remember for the rest of his life!

Be blessed my friends!