Wednesday, May 4, 2011

So, tonight I just need a safe place to write. I'm sure this isn't my best option, but maybe someone will see it who actually cares. And maybe for once, someone will reach out to me! I'm really frustrated with my life at the moment. I feel like Satan is attacking me and my family. I'm sure there's something big that's going to happen in my life that he's trying to prevent. But even though I know that, and I know who I am in Christ, my flesh has struggled so much lately. I get angry real easy again. It doesn't get as blown out of control like it use to, but I don't like displaying any anger, especially around my family, and they're always the ones who see the most of it. I've been fasting pop for about a week because of anger. I just feel like God has put that on my heart to do. I've dealt with a lot of fear lately too, to the point where I lost several pounds in just a couple of days. Now I've gained back that weight, plus some because I've been so tired all the time. I absolutely hate how often I am tired. I have ONE good day where I feel like the energizer bunny and nothing can stop me, then I have 3 or 4 bad days where I have absolutely NO motivation or energy to do anything. This makes me feel like a really bad mom and wife. I just don't understand. I take good vitamins. I start about 5 out of 7 of my mornings with God, reading His word and praying. Why can't I just get over this mountain? I feel like I'm wandering in the wilderness just like His children did all those years ago, when they could've made it to the promise land so much faster. Am I doing something wrong? I try to be obedient to every little thing that God whispers in my ear. I honestly feel like something is wrong with me. But where does a christian woman go to get help? Where do I even began? With my emotions? How they are up and down? With my energy, or lack of? With the anger issues?

I'm SO frustrated! I know life could be so much worse for me. But Jesus came to give us an abundant life! He doesn't want us living like this. He doesn't want us wasting our time here on earth, which is what I feel like I do most days. I write on here because I feel like I have no one else to talk to. I'm always there for my friends when they really need me. I'm even there for my enemies when everyone else has turned their backs on them. So WHY do I feel like no one is there for me when I so desperately just need someone to talk to? Someone to guide me? Someone to hug me and tell me that there is nothing wrong with me? Where are the people who are supposed to encourage ME?

I've been going to my church for over 2 years. It hurts me badly that I have made only one real friend there. I have another friend that I met outside of church, but other than that, there aren't any REAL friends who REALLY care about what happens to me. The church always preaches love and fellowship. What do I have to do to find this love and fellowship? I'm tired of feeling so lonely all the time. I'm tired of watching my husband go through this life without any real friends.

I know there is SO much more to this life. I just don't know exactly what it is or how to get there. If I don't know what it is, then I guess I can't expect to know how to get there.

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