LESSONS FROM THE MAN IN THE RAIN

Sunday as we were driving to church in the morning, it was raining lightly and the forecast called for heavier showers. For the first time in a long time, we were actually early for church. I noticed a man up ahead of us on the left walking through the rain with no umbrella. I felt the Holy Spirit speaking to me and telling me to give that man one of our umbrellas. We only had one in the car, but I knew we'd be fine without one. I pointed out the man to my husband and asked him if he thought we should try to give him one of our umbrellas. Sadly, this world that we live in makes me second guess a lot of things. In the back of my mind I'm thinking stupid things like, "I hope he doesn't pull out a gun on us." I could tell my husband was a little hesitant, maybe even a little annoyed because he knew he would be the one doing the talking. I'm not really sure what he was thinking, but he agreed that we could try. 

I made a u-turn at the next intersection and we made our way back to the man. We pulled off to the side of the road as he was walking towards us. My husband rolled down the window and asked if he would like an umbrella. The man appeared to be somewhere around 50 years old. He had long grey hair and was wearing a long sleeve shirt and blue jeans. He smiled and kindly said, "No, that's okay." We asked if he was sure and he said yeah. So my husband said okay and possibly something else as we drove away. 

As we drove off I fought back tears. There were so many thoughts and emotions going on with me. Why didn't he take the umbrella. I hope my husband wasn't embarrassed. Maybe we just made his day, because someone was so kind to even try to help him out. My mind kept pondering over and over why he didn't accept it, if God truly did put it on my heart to give it to him. My husband suggested that maybe God was just testing my obedience with a smaller thing so that He knows we will be obedient with bigger things.

For days I just couldn't get this situation out of my mind. I prayed about it and asked God for answers. I felt like He was trying to teach me a lesson, but I wasn't sure what the lesson was. I'm still trying to figure it out, but I do believe it's not just one simple lesson. There was so much to be taught here. 

Whenever God prompts you to do something for others, remember these facts:

1. You reap what you sow. "Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap." ~ Galatians 6:7 (KJV) Perhaps God was seeing if I would try to sow a good seed when I thought this man was in need, so that the next time I am in need, He can speedily send someone to help me. 

Here are a couple more Bible verses that back up the principle of reaping and sowing: 

"Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." ~ Luke 6:38 (NIV)

God "will repay each person according to what they have done." ~ Romans 2:6 (NIV)

2. By being obedient to God, you are not denying Him. Regardless of whether or not the other person receives what you are trying to give, whether its a gift, a kind word, or even just a wave or a smile, you can rejoice knowing that YOU did what God wanted you to do. "They claim to know God, but by their actions they deny him. They are detestable, disobedient and unfit for doing anything good." ~ Titus 1:16 (NIV)

3. If you have children, they are paying attention. I feel like we taught our children a valuable lesson that day. As I turned the car around, our six year old knew something was going on. He asked us what we were doing. I explained to him that we were just going to try to show God's love by seeing if the man wanted an umbrella because he was walking alone in the rain. 

4. Expect NOTHING in return! Luke 6:34-36 (ESV) says, "If you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners in order to receive back the same amount. But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High; for He Himself is kind to ungrateful and evil men. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful."

5. You may be entertaining angels. "Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it." ~ Hebrews 13:2 Wow, what a thought! The man in the rain could've been an angel! That gives me chills to think about. I cannot make this stuff up. It's right there in God's word. 

6. Pride leads to destruction. Last but certainly not least, remember to remain humble and to not boast about what you have done. The Bible says in Proverbs 16:18, "Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall."

Several days after the incident regarding the man walking in the rain, I was talking to my husband again about what God might be trying to teach me. The very second that I stopped talking, I turned up the radio and heard these words in a song for the very first time: 

"It's like I'm standing in the rain 

and you offer me a raincoat. 

But I would rather stand there being wet 

than take the handout. 

What's wrong with me? 

You said, you've always got your hands out."

So then I started thinking about the man even more. I wonder if he's a broken man in need of a Savior. Could he have possibly smiled at us, but asked himself what's wrong with him as we drove away? I just hope that no matter what God was trying to teach us or that man, that Christ was glorified through that little act of obedience. 

If you would like to hear the full song that I heard on the radio, just click on the video.

Be blessed my friends!

OUR LITTLE KIWI

Here are the latest ultrasound pics of our baby boy. He is in the

perfect position, perfect heart beat, weighs about 3lbs 11oz, and is

on track to weigh around 7 pounds.

That may look like a hand over his 

face, but it's actually his feet. It 

amazes me how flexible babies are 

in the womb.







The placenta has moved up and is no longer a concern and my 

previous scar area looks great. I met my doula and think she's a 

wonderful fit. Everything is falling into place and I give God all 

of the glory!

Be blessed my friends!

MY JOURNEY TO A VBA2C

It's almost been 2 years since I have last given birth. Up until now I just accepted the way things went. I was exhausted and hungry and the baby's heart rate started to decelerate so my doctor suggested a c-section in order to avoid another emergency c-section.

The only picture of me and baby just after the c-section.

Now here I am just a couple of months away from giving birth again and I'm thinking about the way I am hopeful that birth will go. I have been educating myself for over 7 months because I want to try to deliver vaginally after having had 2 c-sections. Because of all the reading and researching I have done, I now realize that a c-section most likely could've been avoided the last time, had I educated myself more then. Almost 2 years later and I sit here fuming over my last birth experience. No, I didn't need a c-section! I needed food! And I needed to move off of that hospital bed. I didn't even think about it then, but looking back I remember that I didn't move from that bed once I was I was admitted, except to go to the restroom. I'm also upset because for my last two births, I missed my baby's first bath. While everyone else was oohing and aahing at my little boys and taking pictures, I was in the recovery room. I'm grateful for those pictures, but so sad that I missed that special moment. Now that I'm writing about this, I'm even more upset because I can't find a picture of my baby's first bath. Apparently they are on someone else's camera.

Things WILL be different this time. I am doing everything I can to have a natural childbirth experience. And even if something happened and I needed another c-section, I will NOT miss my baby's first bath! I will make sure they are clear on that. Of course if there is a medical reason that the baby needs cleaned up right away, I will understand that.

Here are some of the things I am doing to have a better birth experience this time around:

PRAYER ~ The most important thing I have done is praying specific prayers for this pregnancy and birth. My prayers started before conception and it is amazing to watch what all God has already done for me. I recommend writing your prayers down so you can go back over them later and see the work God has done.

EDUCATION ~ I have been reading and researching for over 7 months. I have joined several VBAC (Vaginal birth after cesarean) groups, cesarean groups, ICAN, and other pregnancy groups on social media. A couple of great books I have read are "Ina May's Guide to Childbirth", and "Supernatural Childbirth". I am currently watching "The Business of Being Born" series.

CHIROPRACTIC CARE ~ This week I will begin working with a chiropractor. I've heard a lot of women's stories about how going to the chiropractor relieved certain prenatal symptoms like leg and hip pain. I am particularly interested because I have read about how they can help align everything properly, which in turn can help speed up delivery by helping the baby pass through the birth canal easier than if you hadn't been adjusted.

EXERCISE ~ I am SO happy that the weather is finally warming up where I live! I now get out and walk every chance I get. It sure wears me out, but I know I'm doing a great thing for my body and for this baby. I believe that staying active will help me achieve a better birth experience.

HYDRATION ~ I have a history of preterm labor. I also have a history of major leg cramps during pregnancy. I suddenly realize now with my 4th pregnancy that both of these things were most likely linked to dehydration. I try to drink water throughout my day and I do my best to avoid pop. My new rule with pop is that I will only drink it when I go out to eat. No pop in the house! This has really helped me drink more water. So far I've had no leg cramps and no signs of preterm labor. Praise God!

HIRE A DOULA ~ I feel blessed that I have met a doula who seems very compatible for me. My favorite thing about her so far is that we are like-minded spiritually. She is a Christian just like me and she's not afraid to profess it. I am looking forward to her reminding me of God's love for me during labor. This is my 1st experience with a doula, but from all of my research and reading people's stories, not once have I heard anyone say that they regret paying for a doula.

LABOR AT HOME LONGER ~ Here's where I feel that I really missed the mark with the birth of my last son. I know that I went to the hospital too early. Even though I had been contracting all through the night, they weren't really painful. I probably could've just drank more water and tried to relax more. Then maybe I could've walked and moved around more at home before going in. I guess I was just so exhausted and ready for it to be over with, that I thought going to the hospital would speed things along and I could find relief. I'm sure it sped things along, but not in the way I was thinking. I don't know what I was thinking actually. But once we were admitted to the hospital, I was put on their time clock and before I knew it, one intervention led to another, which eventually ended with my 2nd c-section.

EAT, DRINK, AND RELAX ~ Another huge mistake I made before going to the hospital the last time, was going in completely exhausted and on an empty stomach. Now, I'm not suggesting a huge meal before going in, but I definitely will put something healthy in my belly before arriving at the hospital. I'm also sneaking in a small protein snack of some sort. I refuse to try to labor while feeling completely starved. I know there are risks of aspiration if a c-section becomes necessary, but I'm going with my gut on this one and I choose to eat! I will also try to relax as much as possible while I'm still at home. I was just way too anxious for the baby to be here the last time.

THIS IS MY BIRTH EXPERIENCE ~ Above everything else, I have learned that I have a right to say NO. I hired my doctors. They work for me! I can't believe it has taken me this long to realize that I have a voice and I need to use it. I feel so much more educated this time around and it's not just because this is my 4th pregnancy. I have learned so much because I so desperately desire a better birth experience this time around. Even if things do end up with another c-section, I will know in my heart that I did everything that I possibly could do to prevent it, and I think that is what will finally give me the peace that I need.

Now, don't get me wrong, I don't tell the doctors no to everything. I have agreed to be monitored, but I will not labor in bed for hours upon hours like I did with the last child. I will move around beside the bed and bounce on a ball if I feel like it. I have also agreed to have an IV in place, but nothing will be running through it unless a c-section becomes necessary.

The only picture of have of me in labor. That's the bed I stayed in until I was
taken down the hallway for the c-section.

Some examples of what I have said NO to this time around:

Pap Smear ~ I don't know exactly why I turned this down because I have had a pap smear with all 3 of my previous pregnancies and all of my babies were fine. For some reason, I just didn't have peace about it this time. When I don't have peace, I feel like that is God's way of telling me to be careful. My doctor agreed to wait until my 6 week postpartum check up to do the pap smear.

Screening Tests for Genetic Abnormalities ~ Because of my age, this is something that some doctors would try to push. The risks for diseases such as Down's syndrome and other chromosome abnormalities increases as the mother ages. I turned down the screening because I knew in my heart that even if my baby had any kind of defect, I would love it just the same. There is no way I would abort my child, even if my own life were at risk. Although knowing ahead of time that something were wrong could help me better prepare, I still thought it would be best to just turn down those tests and put it all in God's hands.

3 hour glucose test ~ I failed the 1 hour test, but knew in my heart that I would pass the 3 hour test, however, I wasn't willing to put myself (and the baby) through the hours of fasting and blood work because the 1 hour test made me so ill. As a compromise, I agreed to monitor my sugar at home for 2 weeks. It turned out that my numbers were so great that I didn't need to continue monitoring after the first week. See, I knew it!

I have yet to write my birth plan, so I'm sure there will be other things I will be saying NO to. I plan to have the baby room in with me as much as possible. We will be delaying cord clamping and eye drops. I'm not really sure what else I will include yet. Just taking one day at a time. I will be writing that out in the next week or so and I will share it with you. Until then...

Be blessed my friends!

OVERCOMING THE STORMS

This was the view from my back porch almost exactly 4 years ago to the day. I believe we were under a tornado watch and I had been freaking out over the weather for several days prior to it even becoming bad. This looks like a tornado, but it's actually a wall cloud (the front line of the storm). I remember this day very vividly because it was just like every other time that we were expecting bad weather. Days before the storm, while it was still beautiful outside, I would constantly look up the forecasts and make myself sick over the possibilities. To say that I was afraid of storms would be a huge understatement. It paralyzed me. For days on end I couldn't eat much. I would make several trips to the bathroom because my nerves took over. I literally made myself sick. It was embarrassing. I know most people wouldn't understand. I couldn't even understand.

I prayed constantly. I cried out to God to take this fear away. I knew that worrying was a sin and I so desperately wanted to be delivered from it. I would constantly repeat my favorite Bible verse, 2 Timothy 1:7, "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind."  What I didn't realize at the time is that even though I still felt overcome with fear, God was working in my life. Each storm that came my way was getting easier and easier for me to handle.

Fast forward to today. I'm home alone with the kids and we have a tornado watch. We've had torrential rain and lots of lightening and thunder. An amazing thing has happened. I didn't run to my neighbor's house. This is something I usually do because I have always felt safer just being around other people. But that's not even the most amazing part. The best part is that I had peace; the kind of peace that the Bible talks about in Philippians 4:7, "and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

I write this post to encourage others who are dealing with fear of any sort. Whether you are dealing with fear of bad weather or other storms that life brings, I pray that you will experience the peace that I have found through Christ. Yes, it took many years, but I have such victory and you can too! Keep on leaning on God. Say 2 Timothy 1:7 out loud over and over until it resonates in your soul. Don't give up! If you need prayer, it would be an honor to pray for you. Just message me in the comments or at BibleMomma99@gmail.com.

Be blessed my friends!

It's been over a month again since my last post. I want to make my blog a priority just like so many other things in my life, but it's just so tough these days. I am extremely exhausted with this pregnancy. I try to do things like let sun shine into the house as much as possible, when it's actually shining. I have started taking B vitamins on top of my regular prenatals. I get out and walk as much as I can. I try to force water. I just don't know what else to do. I don't think it's mostly the pregnancy's fault, but rather, this guy:

His personality is as big in real life as it is in this picture. Man he sure keeps me on my toes! He's constantly throwing things, dumping things, and tearing up things. He's a runner and a screamer. One of his new favorite words is "NO". He's a mocker and since I have two older boys in the house, one of his other favorite words is "penis".

There's never a dull moment in our home!

Be blessed my friends!

Anger

This index card is one of many that I have began writing on and plan to read each day. Each card will have a Bible verse that references anger. In this particular one, I changed the word "man" to say woman just to make it more relevant to my life. 

I have struggled with outbursts of anger for a long time now, and the ones who get the brunt of my attacks are unfortunately my children. No, my children aren't physically abused, but when I get upset, sometimes I just yell...and then almost immediately regret it. Although I've come such a long way, I know I still have a long journey ahead of me. I want so badly to be a peaceful parent. I have read many books on controlling anger. I've prayed and cried out to God on many occasions to take this anger from me. I've also researched the Bible about this issue and I'm more convicted than ever to get rid of this sin in my life. It's not necessarily a sin to have anger, but it is a sin when you act on it.

It's very hard for me to admit this, especially here, because I know that some of my close family and friends will be reading this. But, again, I write in hopes of helping others. If I struggle with something, then surely there are others in this world who are dealing with the same issues. I notice that I am more easily irritated when I'm tired, and lately I've been exhausted. Our 1 year old keeps me on my toes all day, and I'm also over half way through this pregnancy. I try to nap when I can, but even though it feels wonderful to lay down, it doesn't seem to help me at all. I'm going to bed earlier now too. I just can't stay awake like I used to.

I guess things have also been a little bit worse because I barely leave the house. It's just been too cold and yucky out. My husband takes our only reliable vehicle to work, so I'm pretty much stuck here anyway. But that's okay. I want him to take a good vehicle so I don't have to worry about him. So since I'm stuck here, I try to make the best of it. Sunshine helps with the energy level, so I try to keep all of the windows open during the day. I also play music and try to clean up the house as much as possible because a messy house is something that just gets under my skin and irritates me so badly. Even though I try, each day has been such a struggle. I will be writing Bible verses and encouragement on my Facebook page for anyone else who needs help in this area. You can find my Facebook page by clicking HERE. Say these verses out loud as often as you can. Try to memorize them. I know it will help, so that's what I will be doing too. Until next time...

Be blessed my friends!

Boys, Boys, Boys

Random pics of my youngest two and G2's creation. It's a robot that he made out of magnetics. He had built this a day or so earlier and wanted me to take a picture, but by the time I got the camera out, he already tore it to pieces. I told him I wanted to take a picture of it and he said, "Okay, I will just remake it." And he did! He remade this exactly like it was the first time and it only took him about 5 minutes. My boys are so smart. 

The middle picture on the right was G3's first day of "school". He loved sitting next to his big brother and drawing pictures for us. This last picture is G3's messy pizza face. He loves his food, but also loves making messes! I love my oldest son too, but getting pictures of him is much tougher these days. Stay tuned for more pics with all of my boys!

Over the Half Way Mark

This picture was taken last week on Valentine's Day. I was 23 and a half weeks pregnant. I felt so pretty and had a lot of positive comments from my friends about how young I looked. I'll take those compliments any day, but especially when I'm pregnant and feeling big! Now I am over 24 weeks. It's crazy how fast this pregnancy is going. Everything is going great! I've had great blood pressure and no complications. The Braxton Hicks contractions have started, but I've noticed that I can keep them minimal by drinking lots of water. I've had preterm labor with my other 3, but I'm praying it away this time. I also haven't had any leg cramps during this pregnancy, which was always one of my biggest fears. Those things are so painful! I drink a lot of water and take Magnesium every night right before bed. I also sleep with a heating pad on my legs. The only symptom that really bothers me this time around is fatigue. I'm just SO tired, all the time. I think it's because I'm still doing all the things I've always had to do, but this time around I'm also chasing a very demanding and messy toddler around the house. I love him to pieces, but his nap time is my saving grace! That's the only way I'm able to write this right now. Well, I just wanted to give everyone a pregnancy update. Can't wait to be holding our little guy in my arms. Thankfully I should be finished homeschooling for the year when he's born, so that will give us time to just focus on him and trying to establish a routine before we start school all over again. Until next time...

Be blessed my friends!

The Lion

This morning I had a very prophetic dream. I can barely remember any of the actual details of the dream, except that there was a lion with it's mouth open and I heard these words, "The lion's mouth is never shut". When I woke up, those words just kept running through my head. The lion's mouth is never shut. The lion's mouth is never shut. Then suddenly I felt within my spirit, something telling me that God is the lion, and His mouth is never shut because He is always looking out for me. He is always fighting the enemy off on my behalf. The Lion's mouth is never shut!

http://wallpapertags.com/images/roaring-lion-44006

Wow! What a vision! I thought about this more and more. And I feel like God is just trying to remind us that no matter what things appear like, no matter how broken your life may seem, He is watching and waiting. His mouth is open wide and He is attacking the enemy without you even realizing it. He has saved you over and over. He has kept you from car wrecks and other bad situations that you didn't even see coming. You have no idea what almost happened. He's working in the background, when you think He has forgotten about you. So, as hard as it may seem, please try to focus on the unseen instead of what you see with your own eyes. Praise God for bringing you through all the storms that you've gone through. And praise Him for bringing you through the ones you knew nothing about!

Be blessed my friends!

From My Heart (Continued)

One day shy of 20 weeks with baby # 4

Well, it's been almost 2 weeks since my last post so I thought I'd give you an update. I'm doing much better, but still have a little ways to go. Time really does help heal a lot of things. I'm still in denial that I'm actually having a 4th boy. I look at my ultrasound picture a lot and I question it. I've even shared it with others who also question it. It has 3 lines (which is what you hear all the time when it's a girl), just the middle line is out a bit further than the other 2. Someone in my mom's group on Facebook shared a picture of their "It's a girl" ultrasound and I swear, my ultrasound picture looks a lot like that one. I go back on in 2 weeks for another ultrasound because of my age. This is one time I'm actually glad I'm a bit older. I'll get a second look at the baby and hopefully they'll have a better look at the private areas and ease any confusion that I still have.

Until then, I'm just trying to convince myself that it is a boy. I'm trying to bring myself to buy something for him, but I just can't get excited over anything. I mean, have you seen the baby girl clothes? They are ridiculously cute and they are everywhere! Try finding something that is cute for a boy. I mean, really cute. The options really stink! I think I'm going to have to go to a boutique store and spend a lot of money on one item just to make myself feel better.

The support from my friends and family have been a tremendous help in my healing process. I told them that I didn't want any comments (and I really thought I didn't), but I honestly don't know where I'd be right now if they hadn't reached out to me in the only ways they knew how. I'm very blessed and grateful for people who don't give up on me when I'm down. They are always there to lift me back up. They might not have had the right words, but they tried and that speaks mountains to my heart.

Moving on! No more posts about gender dissapointment because deep down I know that I will love this baby no matter what the gender is. I love my 3 sons with all of my heart. My heart aches just thinking of when they will be grown and leave me. Sadly, that may not be too far off for my oldest. They are each such a blessing to my life. They have changed me inside and out. I'm still working on making myself a better person, because I want to be the best for them.

God has really been speaking to me about writing more. It's my outlet and I believe it's a gift from Him. It's a gift that He wants me to share with others. So, I plan to write more often (I know, you've heard this before). He wants me to be an encourager to others because there are too many people in this world who don't have a great support system like I do. So stay tuned for some encouraging, uplifting messages (along with other tidbits of my life).

Be blessed my friends!

FROM MY HEART

Tuesday was our big day. We went to have an ultrasound on the baby. Everything went great. Well, almost everything. The placenta is close to my cervix, but there's still plenty of time for it to move up, so for now I'm going to try to remain positive about it. The doctor had to step out for a delivery so I asked the ultrasound tech a few questions about my Vba2C (vaginal birth after 2 cesareans). I left feeling discouraged because she told me that they won't let me go past 40 weeks. What in the world? 40 weeks is just an estimated due date! And from all of my research, I know that being induced can increase my risks of uterine rupture. She also said the baby can't be over a certain weight. Bull! I know of plenty of women who have had Vbacs with big babies. I'm just going to take her words as a grain of salt until I actually get a chance to talk to my doctor. I really hope his words are more encouraging to me. I am scheduled to go for another ultrasound next month because of my age. Yay! Way to make me feel old. They look for chromosomal disorders, down syndrome being the most common. So far though, everything looks great with the baby.

I had the technician find out the gender as we all closed our eyes. She wrote down what it was and put it in two separate envelopes; one for the cake maker for our reveal party, and one for us to verify later. Once we were home I just couldn't stop thinking about the gender. I started getting a strong feeling that it was another boy. I fought back tears just thinking about it. Don't get me wrong please. I love my boys with all of my heart, but I really had my heart set on this baby being a girl. Everything about this pregnancy is different. I was sure it was a girl. But what if I was wrong? I suddenly realized that if I wait until the party to find out, there's a 50/50 chance that it could be a boy. I realized that I would probably cry my eyes out in front of everyone and then have to leave the room. That would be so awkward and not the way I imagined our fun party to turn out.

I jokingly held up one of the envelopes towards the light (without anyone knowing). It was a brown envelope so I didn't expect to see anything...but I did. I was sure I saw the word BOY. I fought back tears hard. Once the kids had left the room I told my husband what had happened. I asked him if he'd be mad at me if I opened the envelope to make sure. He said he wouldn't. So I opened it. I was right. My heart just sank. I cried, and cried, and cried. I said things that I already regret. My head felt like it was going to explode. I ended up crying myself to sleep around 1:30 in the morning.

We cancelled the party. I felt like I was mourning the loss of something, and I was. I was mourning the loss of the dream of having my own daughter; my own little princess. I wanted so badly to buy pink things. I wanted a little girl to go shopping with. Someone to have my hair and nails done with; all these things that I missed out on with my own mother because she was such a hard worker. We never really had that mother/daughter relationship that I longed for. I really thought I could experience that with my own daughter, but I feel like I'll never have that chance now.

I don't want to share my news with anyone, but I'm sure that most who were going to come to the party have assumed the truth. I feel let down. I feel like I'm letting other people down. I know so many others who hoped that this would be our girl. I don't want to hear the comments. "At least it's healthy". "You're so blessed to be having 4 kids when so many moms can't even have 1". I get all of that, but I don't want to hear it. It's not helpful to me right now.

For now it's extremely hard for me to think of my pregnant friends who are finding out they are having girls. It's hard to think of all the people around me who have girls. Why couldn't I just have one? I feel like no one is really going to care much about this baby. If it were a girl, I would've had the gender reveal party and celebrated with friends and family. I would've had a baby shower. She wouldn't have had only hand-me-downs from her 3 older brothers. There will be no exciting picture to announce the gender on facebook. I'm finding it so hard to find any excitement in this whatsoever. I don't feel a connection with this baby. Even when I thought that it might be a girl I felt that way. I thought it was just because I don't feel this one moving as much. Now I just don't know. I don't want to buy anything for it. I don't want to come up with another G name. And then I feel extremely guilty for having these feelings that I can't seem to control.

Why can't I find it in me to celebrate and be happy over this wonderful blessing that God is trusting me with? Even when I hold my 1 year old and see that joy that he brings into my life, I still feel like a piece of my life is missing: my little girl that I'll probably never have. I'm very depressed. I'm just not myself. I'm finding it so hard to get back to my old self. I feel like I'm purposely isolating myself because I don't want anyone's pity and I don't want the opposite either. I just don't want to be around anyone. I guess I just need time to come to terms with this. I'm sure God has a reason for giving me 4 boys and I am grateful for their health. I'm sure I will love and connect with this baby in time. And that's just what I need...time.

Be blessed my friends!

Our Grinch Tradition

Each year the Grinch comes to our house after Santa does. He makes a mess of things and plays tricks on the boys. Here are some highlights of his trip this year:

The snowflakes were already there (the Grinch isn't that good). But he took the green streamers and made a mess with them. 

He also t-peed our tree with his green paper. And see that funky looking gift in front of the gate, next to the Santa gifts? Well, that was Mr. Grinch's gift to our middle child. That Grinch sure does a very sloppy wrapping job. The gift was a Grinch matching game.

WARNING: THE NEXT PICTURE CONTAINS SOMETHING NASTY! VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

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And here's something the Grinch does every year:

He uses our bathrooms! Our 6 year old remembered to look for this and he was so excited as he ran down the hall to check out the toilet. What a priceless, funny moment!

I guess he creates a self portrait of himself in the bathroom just in case we didn't notice what he left in the toilet! Haha

He turned the boy's milk green and made "Grinch Pudding". He also put eyeballs on a lot of the food and drinks in our refrigerator; see the egg cartoons. I really hope he washed his hands before he messed with this stuff!

My favorite thing of all that the Grinch did this year was something I would've just loved as a child.

Somehow he managed to sneak an entire room full of balloons into G2's room while he was sleeping. What a site that was! The balloons not only covered his entire floor, but were piling up on top of each other. There was also a small, blue tree with candy canes and ornaments in his room, but we aren't sure if that was from the Grinch or Santa. This was a year that this little boy will remember for the rest of his life!

Be blessed my friends!